memories bring back you

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i'm like fairly sure i have childhood trauma of some sort and it's really ruining my life rn. like before quarantine, I could just go to school, put on a brave face and force a smile in front of my friends. i'd try to find any reason to stay at school longer, joining clubs, activities, charity events, etc. then, once i'd get home, i would do my homework and just chill by myself (bc by that point my mom would be asleep and my dad would get home and they'd both go to the kitchen and leave me alone). but with this stupid quarantine, my parents have been noticing everything wrong with me and i just feel my whole life unraveling rn. they keep saying "something's wrong with you. you need help" like no shit, i've been telling you for years and every time you brushed me off and said what i was feeling was normal and that i was fine but now that it's getting too late to help me you decide to tell me that i'm basically too much for you and you'd rather dump me on someone else rather than trying to have actual conversations with me. 

a lot of the times, i just want my parents' help, i just need them to help me, i just need them to hug me and tell me that i'm okay, that i'm not messed up and i don't need fixing. but when i need them the most they don't do that. when i need my space, when i don't want to be touched, they're all in my face and they overload me and it gets stressful but god forbid i snap at them bc then i'm being annoying and rude and hormonal. 

i just wanna be left alone. sometimes i need company. i'll let you know, but don't force me, don't manipulate me, don't guilt me bc it makes me feel worse.

i'm always performing, i'm always on display. even when i'm alone, i get scared that it'll come back to haunt me so i'm constantly forcing something.

sometimes i still feel like a little kid. i'm still scared of the dark, i'm still scared of strangers, and i need constant company that's willing to just sit there and not get upset or make things tense. i don't feel like i'm about to be an adult, not at all. 

no. stop. i'm not gonna let my thoughts go there. have i ever mentioned that i let my thoughts go wild? right now it's going between like four different songs and thinking about what i'm typing rn and other things. rn it just went somewhere that it hasn't gone to in years. i mean, it's crossed my mind but not in that way since i was little. which, if you think about it, is really fucked up. like how much pain does a seven-year-old have to be going through to even think about something like that. shocking, i know.

anyways, idk what childhood trauma. maybe it's my family losing their temper a lot at me, always yelling at me like i'm an adult, treating me like i'm not their own child. obviously, yeah, kids need discipline and they aren't going to love you 100% of the time. but my parents never apologized without shifting the blame to me, they never tried to talk with me about the constant war of thoughts and emotions going through my head at such a young age, they would just laugh at me any time i tried to have a serious conversation, literally. since my sister learned from them, she was the same way, but somehow she was at least a little nicer. now my parents want to act like those arguments never happened, that they never treated me as less important than my sister, like they never dismissed my concerns about myself, like they never ignored me unless i won some achievement. that's why, by this point, i hate when i get lower 90s, bc the only time i've gotten genuine praise is when i keep my grades in the 100s or higher 90s.

why does trauma work like that? why do i have to remember everything in vivid detail while they get to forget it? why can't i forget, why do i have to remember, why can't i just be normal?

anyways, i have an essay due soon so i have to do that, bye.

3/12/21

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