Nothing ever Changes

15

Him. Carlos Rodriguez.

He came to our school in the middle of sixth grade.

An A+ student. Friend to everyone. Vegetarian. Could speak perfect spanish. Absolutely perfect. And breathtakingly hot.

I liked him immediately. Of course, I didn't know I liked him as more than a friend, because I was thirteen, and had no idea what "gay" was.

Jake and I were still living at home then, and we went to a much better school. We had friends, but I was determined to become friends with Carlos.

Of course, I had no way to do that. But luckily, I did terrible in math, and he became my tutor. We met most days after school, with Jake hanging around since we went home together. And even after he stopped tutoring me, we all kept hanging out.

Eventually, in seventh grade, I stumbled across an LGBTQ+ part of the public library, and found Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda. I researched what gay was, and I knew that I was very, very gay, and I was deeply in love with Carlos.

I told Jake first, and he told me that he was the same. But he told me he liked Carlos, too. We had no idea what to do. So, we told Carlos. Turned out, he liked both of us.

For eighth grade, and most of ninth, we were all together. Jake and I were mostly platonic, but we kissed from time to time.

Unfortunaltly, we all had homophobic families. It had to be a secret. We couldn't tell anyone, since we didn't want to risk it getting back to our parents.

But it did.

Jake's parents found out, and kicked him out. He stayed at Carlos' house for a while, but then his older brother let him stay at his apartment. Then my parents found out. I moved in with Jake.

Carlos got distant. His parents divorced. We never knew much about his family. He still hung out with us all the time, but something was off. We never found out what it was.

He was driving home one day, and there was a dog on the bridge. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but he was on a bridge. He hit the railing on the side hard enough for it to break. The car fell into the ocean.

When Jake found out, he had a panic attack. It had never happened before, and I was able to calm him.

Carlos was in a coma for three months before he died.

When Jake and I found out, our hearts were broken. Jake cried for three hours. Carlos had always promised to protect us somehow, even if he was gone. We loved him more than anything, and losing him hurt too much.

That's why Jake hates cars. That's why I hate the ocean. I try to keep him away from things that'll remind him of Carlos, so he doesn't break down.

Jake and I decided being together isn't the same as it was before. I still give him the occasional kiss, but it's not the same at all.

We switched to the public high school, since there were too many memories at the old one. We met Ari, and after one of Jake's panic attacks, I told them all about Carlos.

I don't commit to people anymore. It hurts too much to lose them. Jake falls in love easily, though, and that's why he backs out of dates. He can't handle losing someone he loves either.

That's why I have Jake come by the Corner at least once when I'm working. I hate leaving him alone, because I don't want him to have too much time to think of any of this, or for something to trigger him.

But now I might be falling in love with Ace and DJ.

Ace.

Oh, god, I need to call him.