Depresion: My Personal Escape

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Depression: My Personal Escape

I was 15 when my depression became life threatening. Over several years I had bottled up every insecurity and disappointment to a point where I felt as if I had nothing left to look forward to. I had gone through dream crushing experiences and abandonment from people that I considered friends. I wanted to be accepted and yet I wanted to show that I didn't care if I was rejected either. I held everything in and even though every show I watched told me that cutting was horrible I picked up a safety pin and began to carve into my arms, legs, hands and even feet. I did everything I could think of to hide these scars that only recently began to fade. It's funny now that I think of it that my family only realized how odd I was acting when one day I started crying because I couldn't go swimming. That was one thing I had always enjoyed and now I was fighting with them saying my bathing suit didn't fit and that it was too cold. They knew then that something was wrong but they never imagined how horrible I was feeling. I started sinking farther and farther into despair. I went from feeling everything and not showing it to feeling only pain and after a year of trying to hold onto the little bit of myself that was left I completely gave in. I felt nothing but the physical and stopped trying to hide it. This went on for months. I didn't become a loner I still had friends but instead of actually enjoying myself I simply mimicked the reactions of those around me. I had considered suicide on a regular basis but there was something fighting in me to stay alive to hold onto some hope that I no longer could see. One day I was walking into school when I saw a friend of mine crying with his cell in hand he began to yell, "Why can't you just answer, if you die I'll have no one!" I had no idea what was happening at first. It turns out that his closest and oldest friend had called to say goodbye. Over the next few weeks I saw it tear my friend apart. We grew closer than I had to anyone in a long time. During this time my church was unimportant to me although I attended I often found myself dosing through service. In October I heard a message that finally sunk in that God could open doors that had long been shut. As I began to think about all of the doors that had been shut in my life I received text messages from several of my friends saying that they were sorry I was hurting, that they wanted me to be happy again, and the last message said "please don't hurt yourself any more you are an amazing girl and you are going to change lives, I want you to live because I know some day you will realize how many people truly love you and that whatever your dream may be, God gave you that dream so he must have a plan for you to fulfill it." at the end of service I had been spent of tears every emotion I had hidden from myself and every memory I had tried to forget came rushing forward all at once. I went forward to pray with a kind woman and when she looked at me she didn't even ask what it was I needed prayer for she just began saying "Lord your child needs you, she is lost and in pain, heal her heart let her see what it is that you have planned for her, work within her heart to show her your unfailing love, give her a peace that surpasses all understanding". Again tears filled my eyes, I was trembling from head to toe, the full weight of my actions crashed in and yet I felt pure joy. God had not only placed some amazing people in my life, but He also allowed them to see who I truly was and not the shell of a person I was becoming. God saved my life by showing me that I was loved and for once in my life I could feel His love working through the people around me. I had not noticed when the prayer partner had stopped praying and my parents had begun. I was on my knees wrapped in my mother's arms with my father close by both crying and speaking in tongues. They told me later that they themselves knew not what to say so they let the sounds pour out and their meaning would be understood by God and He would answer them according to His will. From that day forward I felt everything whether it was good or bad I was just relieved to feel again. In all honesty it made some days more difficult to get through, but in the end I knew that it did not matter how hard things got I would always have someone there to pull me up, give me joy, and love me unconditionaly.

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