can you fucking believe it

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believe it or not, that's an actual song lyric lmao, it's from witness by mindless self indulgence. that whole song is how I've been feeling lately, i've been loving myself so much, but ultimately that lovey dovey high comes with a crash (which is right now) i just con't stop crying and i feel like i'm overreacting (which i am and i'm so mad at myself bc i want to stop being such a cry baby bc literally no one cares) and even through i'm aware of that whole things where if it's enough to make you cry or if it's a big deal to you, that's completely valid (bc you know, psychology major here) but i just cannot apply any bullcrap to myself it's so shitty.

i've spent all day trying to make my mom happy (bc it's her day off) and i tried to get her to take a nap but no matter what i do she just talks to me like she's mad at me and she makes 'jokes' about me being annoying and talking too much. you know that i don't talk a lot in front of my friends bc of that bitch, her and the rest of my family always make me so self conscious. it's not like i can tell them shit though bc i hate confrontation and i compulsively just laugh it off every time they say something. it pisses me off and i keep dropping hints to them saying "oh yeah, child neglect comes in different forms, giving kids the silent treatment, downplaying their emotions as them overreacting, not listening to what they say-" "hey have you seen this" like it's such bullshit and i wish i had the balls to tell them something but every time i tell them one little thing, they keep using it against me like "oh, i'm sorry, you're sensitive"

but anyways she's just been in a shitty mood all day and acting like it's my fault and the second she gets a call from her sister, she's all smiles. idk, it just makes me feel worthless, like i'm not good enough to cheer her up, that i'm not enough 

idk, i just hate today. it's been absolute shit. it's so weird how i've been so happy these past few days, i've been loving myself so much, i was proud of myself, and now i just have another crash.

i'm kind of glad no one reads these bc i'm so much more messed up than i even let myself believe, my mom has no problem reminding me of that every time i stupidly trust her and confide in her. as much as i would love support, it only ever makes me slightly happier over text or whatever, the second i see people in person, i cannot admit it to anyone or myself, i refuse to let myself cry to to let myself vent seriously, i just can't.

that's it 

3/9/21

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