Chapter 40 - but maybe we'll go together and just figure it out.

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"You can't keep doing this.."

"Yes I can.. you're not the boss of me!" Niall argues back. I've found him.. cutting again. The word alone makes me cringe.. he needs therapy.

"Yano what.. I'm gonna call Harry.." Niall's eyes start to water at the mention of his name.. and I know what I'm about to say will really get to him, "We'll see what he thinks of this.."

"No!" He whines and drops the blade along with his head, "please don't.." he whispers and I understand he's scared and upset but he needs to stop hurting himself.. otherwise I'll call a therapist without hesitation.

Yes scared.

I know he's scared of losing Harry, I know he wants to go find the boy and tell him repeatedly how much he loves him but he can't because well, he can't bring himself to do it.

Unless he was to visit Harry.. and see the state he's in, see what he's actually done to Harry... Gemma told me all about him.. hurts me really to think that just a break up with someone had done that to the boy.. she told me everything. How Harry won't eat. Niall does.. well more than Harry obviously. I haven't seen Harry but I have a pretty bad image. And I remember Harry's crying as he left this house.

"Do you think Harry would want to see you like this?" I ask him and he shakes his head.. walking away from the bathroom with me. He looks me dead in the eyes and stares, "Of course he wouldn't.. you don't even know what that boy is going through do you?" He really doesn't.

"I don't.. but I intend to find out." He seems so determined, but he'd break down if he saw the boy.. and it makes me smile that he's determined, "I want to make things right with him.. is he still at his house?" I nod and he sighs and states his going to get shower.

I hope he does this. Harry will really feel better if he maybe saw Niall.. or maybe he'd be worse? Thinking Niall hates him when all Niall does is think about him. Non-stop. Everyday.

"Dont hurt yourself in there." He nods and goes in there.. he throws all the blades into a carrier bag and ties it shut, putting another one over the top of it, probably so they don't come out of it.

He places the bags on the bed and smiles through that painful expression.

"I'll try." He whispers and disappears into the bathroom.


"Harry.. please.. eat.. I have to go out and I need to know you're gonna be alright for five minutes alone..?" I'm trying to get him to eat but he refuses and sits and whispers that he wants Niall.. no one else. He is being a reluctant little shit if I'm honest.

His ribs stick out so much and it's heart breaking.. it really is.

"Please." I start to cry and I can't even help it anymore, it's not just to make him feel guilty.. it's just because I can't handle seeing him like this anymore. He looks down at me with the party ring in my hand.. he stares at it but looks almost green at the look of food.

He hesitantly reaches out with one of his really shaky and bony hands and wipes away one of my tears.. but he whispers I'm sorry and sits back again.

I tried.

"I have to go Harry... please.. be alright.. please please promise me you won't do anything?" He just sits back in his bed.. his body limp and unhealthy.. so much to the point where I think he's gonna die and I can't lose Harry.. I shut his door behind me and silently cry.

I head down the stairs and out the front door.. I lock the door and place the key under the doormat.. I'll be 5 minutes, but I hope he stays safe.


"Bye Archie! I'll be back later..." Archie told me that Harry isn't ok.. and neither am I. I'm gonna fix this.

"Bye.. good luck Niall." She waves me out the door and I climb in my car.. I'm so scared and nervous and worried and I feel like crying right now.. it's basically hit me what I'm about to do.

I should never of let Harry go.

I stop at the lights that are connected to the road Harry lives down with Gemma.. but I can see his house and Gemma's car isn't there.

I leave the lights as soon as they're on green and park up outside Harry's house.

I take a deep breath and try not to cry as I look at his house.. many memories in there. 

I carefully get out the car and walk slowly up the driveway. The house seems dead and empty.

The key is under the mat like Gemma always puts it there.. I pick it up and unlock the door.

I creep inside and the house is quiet.

"Harry?" I hesitantly call out.


Where is he?

I walk through to the kitchen and it's full of plates of food that haven't been eaten.. here come the tears. Where's Harry?

Sobbing quietly I look up the stairs.. I'm terrified of what might greet me.

But I take the steps slowly.

I obviously should of gone faster.

"Harry?" I ask and look in his bedroom, my voice cracking as he's not in there.

Until.. the bathroom light catches my attention.

I rush there as fast as I could..

He lies there on the cold tiled floor.. unconscious.

He tried to kill himself?

I lean down and stare at his body.. tears rolling down my face. What have I done?

"Harry?!" I sob and he seems so fragile.

His body is weak and dying.

He's so thin.

This is all my fault. His ribs are so prominent and you could probably feel his heart but there's.. a fucking bottle of pills! He has overdosed.

I grab my phone as fast as I can and dial 999 faster than ever.

The reception lady asks me a couple questions before an ambulance is being sent to Harry's house and I'm holding him close to me as he's unconscious and looks dead to be honest.

"Harry.. what h-have I done to you? I'm so s-sorry.." I sob and my tears fall into his unwashed hair and his face is paler than usual and what have I done?!

I can't believe he got to this.. Gemma should of called me or Archie should of told me something.. anything.. my baby is dying and it's because of me.

Soon enough there's paramedics taking Harry off me and a nurse holding my hand and letting me cry into her shoulder as I watch Harry's body.. that's so small and fragile. It looks so breakable.

"Would you like to come in the ambulance and hold his hand with us?" The nurse asks me and I probably don't look much better than Harry to be honest and I nod at her rushing to Harry's side inside the ambulance where he's hooked on to many machines.

I take his unusually much smaller hand in mine and he's freezing..

"Do you know how long he's been unconscious?" I'm asked and I shake my head as more tears fall onto his face but I wipe them away.

I'd do anything to see those green eyes and that white smile.

"We know he took strong sleeping pills.. in a small bottle that said it  had approximately fifty pills in.. we know he took them all." The lady says and I gulp.

"It's all my fault.. I shouldn't of broken up with him.. I knew he was broken and I knew he trusted me with his heart and I smashed it." I start to panic and ramble on quickly.

"It's not your fault Mr.Horan.. I can assure you Harry will be ok." She smiles at me kindly and I hold Harry's hand that little bit tighter.. I hope to God that he's ok..

More than hope.. I pray. 

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