no squealing, remember that it's all in your head

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quick lil update, it baffles me that someone who has gaslighted and manipulated me for years, someone who has emotionally abused me, the person who is responsible for me being an amazing liar, the person who is the reason i'm emotionally stunted, really thinks they aren't responsible. they're telling me that it's my fault for being the way i am, my fault for looking up to them as a role model. 

i have been looking into stuff over quarantine bc my mental health has been more relaxed but that just means that things i was used to before (like feeling unreal, feeling numb) feel like extreme highs bc i'm not used to them anymore. so i've been looking up different things to understand myself and derealization/depersonalization really hit hard for me. it said that these may be caused by emotional abuse or child neglect and (if i'm understanding it correctly) my parents did that a lot. they'd laugh in my face when i'd try to express my emotions, they treated me like i was their age even when i was little (ex: "you need to chill out" or "you're overreacting" or "really? this is what you were freaking out about?") this wasn't even just with negative emotions. when i'd feel so excited or happy about something and i wanted to talk about it, they'd instantly shut me up. they were my only role models growing up, since they thought cutting off people the moment you don't get what you want was the best idea, i did the same. since they thought belittling people's excitement bc it was "weird" was a good idea, i did the same. since they didn't show their emotions and kept everything bottled up, i did the same thing. then she has the audacity to say to me, "it's not my fault you wanted to be like me, find your own personality." like bitch, you literally made me who i am. this asshole doesn't understand the idea that everything that is said and done to or around a child, especially at a young age, is imperative to their development.

i think the worst part about this is that ik she knows what's right and wrong. she agrees with me on this stuff in hypothetical scenarios (conversations in which i drop a lot of hints to tell her how i feel and why i think we need to talk) but the moment she needs to apologize or own up to her actions (in any sense, like making a hurtful joke about me or something) she starts blaming everyone else and saying she isn't at fault. both of them say i'm the one with excuses but they're so much worse.

and as i've said before, i'm not su*cidal, i don't actually want to d*e but god they make me wanna disappear a lot of the times. they make me want to stop existing. i like to imagine my life is like a movie. they make me want to scrap the story and start from scratch, rearrange the different characters, change the direction the story was going in, maybe set up a different tone. going from a story about someone who feels so disconnected to someone who is normal, who hasn't quite figured it all out but will get it eventually, someone who's okay with the journey.

and it's so easy to watch movies, i can analyze the characters. i can tell "oh, this is a bad choice. you think this is healthy but you're only hurting yourself." but irl, idk anything. i cannot tell if i'm making the right choices, i don't know if i really am the bad guy, if i'm the one to be rooting against. 

i just wish it was all easier. what the hell is my fucking gender? do i love my friends or do i actually like being away from them? am i ever going to find love? will anyone ever love me? 

this sounds fucking cringy, i always hate when i get like this bc then i feel like i'm overreacting.

you know what else sucks, my mom always tells me (after we get in a fight) that she loves that i don't hold grudges. one time she ever said that she was worried that she hurt me but i just acted like nothing happened. that time hurt even more when she told me that but she really did hurt me, i had an opening for her to apologize, for us to talk this out, but bc i'm so quick to diffuse tension and bottle up my pain, everything is stunted. i'm in so much pain. emotionally, i guess. i guess that's why i put so much time into "activism" (if what you call what i do activism) i hate feeling like this and i hope no one else has to experience this. 

i know why i put so much time into youtube though, youtubers make me happy. they pull me out of the dark. they don't know me, they don't have any bias against me. they don't remember the many times i've screwed up, they don't know how fucked up i feel in the head, they don't know that. all they want to do is educate me, bring a smile to my face, give me hope. it's stupid, i know, but it helps, i guess. 

that's it, see you in my next vent :)

2/20/21

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