Becoming Ready

Chapter 27 - Acceptance

Shawn's one year anniversary of sobriety was later that week. Charlie was so proud of him she could hardly contain it. She bought him a cupcake and smothered him with kisses as soon as he answered the door.

"Will you come to my meeting with me tonight?" he asked, smiling and laughing at her enthusiastic display of affection. "I'm taking a one-year chip."

"Of course!" she squealed, thrilled that he invited her.

That evening she sat in the meeting with him and listened to the speaker. It was the kind of meeting where someone would stand at the podium and share their personal experience for about fifteen minutes, followed by other people sharing for about two minutes, until the time ran out.

The main speaker was unlike any of the other speakers Charlie had heard before. The woman had gotten sober really young, and she said she could probably count the number of times that she drank on two hands. She knew she had a problem, however, by the way she drank. She said something that resonated with Charlie. That at one point before she got sober, she hadn't intended on drinking, but she had no defense against the first drink she took that night.

It reminded Charlie of grad night. She had stopped drinking for months before that party, but when John offered her that first beer, she hadn't given it a second thought. Of course, she was in a state of massive anxiety, but so what? She still should have been able to stay away from something she knew was bad for her. But like the speaker said, she had no defense.

There was something else the woman that that struck a chord with her. It was about the fact that you could use things other than alcohol in an alcoholic way. Food, sex, relationships... even your job. If you used those things to escape from reality, push down your feelings, or try to numb them, that was just the same as alcohol.

Charlie realized that she had done just that. During Senior year, it was only easy for her to not drink because she threw herself into schoolwork and theater. It took up all of her energy and time. And then again, this year, she kept herself so busy she hardly had time to think. But what would happen now that filming on The Outlaws was over, and school was about to be on break for the holidays? She had done okay at the wrap party, but she hadn't been there for long. Plus, in a way, nearly kissing River was like nearly picking up a drink.

People who threw themselves into work weren't more well-adjusted than people who still drank. She had seen her father do it, without even realizing it. She even used to call him a workaholic. He would come home, absolutely miserable, yelling at everyone for no reason. Sure, he was "sober," but did he really act like a level-headed, sober person? It had been hard to see, compared to her mom who was obviously using drugs, but it was still alcoholic behavior.

It was interesting, because after he lost his job, he had started going back to AA meetings, before Charlie even knew about it. That's why everything at home seemed better before she graduated. And even now that he had another job, he still made time to go. There was a stark difference in how he used to act versus how he acted now. Despite living in a cramped apartment with his wife and two daughters, he was better.

After the main speaker sat down, it was time to celebrate sober anniversaries. Everyone applauded as Shawn walked to the front of the room and accepted a one-year chip from the meeting leader.

"Shawn, alcoholic," he introduced himself.

"Shawn," the group repeated. Charlie almost jumped at everyone saying her boyfriend's name at the same time. She was still getting used to the weird traditions of AA.

"I just want to say thank you to my girlfriend for coming with me tonight, and for sticking by my side this year. And to everyone who helped me stay sober, I'm really grateful for my life today," Shawn said.

Charlie beamed, and the group applauded again as he walked back to take his seat.

"I'm so proud of you," Charlie said, kissing him on the cheek when he returned.

"Thanks, Goldie," he smiled, taking her hand.

The meeting leader said the mic was open to whoever wanted to share for two minutes, and then waited for volunteers. A middle-aged man raised his hand, walking up to the podium when the leader called on him.

As some time passed, suddenly Charlie felt the urge to share. Maybe it was hearing a speaker that she finally related to, or reflecting on how she was more like her father than she thought, but she finally felt like she had something to say.

She looked over at Shawn.

"Would you be okay if I shared?" she asked him. She didn't want to steal his moment. They were there to celebrate him after all.

"Of course," he said, looking surprised that she wanted to. "I'd love to hear it."

She took a deep breath and raised her hand. To her surprise, the leader called on her immediately. She stood up and walked to the podium, her heart pounding fast.

She reached the front of the room and looked out at the crowd. Everyone sat patiently waiting for her to speak. Some people even gave her encouraging smiles.

"Charlie, alcoholic," she said.

"Charlie," everyone responded.

At that moment, she felt something invisible wash over her. It was a relief, but also something new. 

Acceptance. 

***She finally did it! She identified as an alcoholic at a meeting, which is really the first step in recovery. Took her long enough! Xx