Thirty Two

Day two of chemo and I hated it, every time I moved during the night I thought I was going to pull the tube out, so I kept waking up during the night, Megan had stayed in the room with me last night, and held my hand through most of the night, which was very comforting. It made me know no matter what I would always have Megan with me, I had been awake for an hour already Megan was still fast asleep.

I was feeling so weak, I could feel the chemo effects and I hated them, I had gone through searching Alex on google there was so many articles of me and him and how happy we was, there was a lot of pictures of us. I saved each and every one of them, I was torturing myself with this but I couldn’t help myself, I was missing him like crazy. It hurt to breathe, my hand went to my neck and clutched the necklace that was giving me a small amount of hope. I hoped he would come back to me, if not to be together at least let me explain I was feeling guilty over a whole list of things.

The nurse came in with a smile and checked over the IV stand and a few other things, I knew I should be paying attention to what she did to me, but I didn’t care as long as I got better, I didn’t care what they did to me. “How are you feeling today?” She asked softly.

“The chemo seems like a walk in the park compared to heart break,” I admitted.

“First time you’ve had your heart broken?” She asked. I nodded, she smiled softly, “it gets better and with a friend like that, and you’re going to be ok.”

“Thanks,” I said. She walked out the room and I hobbled my way to the toilet, I washed my face and went back to my bed, I picked up my laptop turning it on. I looked at Megan and she was still asleep and half way off the bed, I loaded up facebook and word so I could start writing. I hadn’t written anything in a really long time, I was going to get back to it whilst I was here and bored all day. Although I knew some days I was going to not want to do it, I took a deep breath in and just started typing my thoughts, it was a good way to let out what I was feeling.

A few hours later Megan woke up and went straight to the bathroom, the nurse came back and asked what we wanted for breakfast, I asked for eggs on toast and Megan wanted an egg sandwich, they brought us food and we sat on the bed eating. “How you feeling?” She asked.

“Surviving, I didn’t sleep well though, I just kept thinking I was going to accidently pull the tube out you know how much I twist and turn in my sleep,” I sighed. “Also just kept dreaming of Alex, and then I decided to google him and it really went downhill from that point, it will be ok though. It has to be.”

Megan smiled, “I’m going to leave at like 7pm, I have a night shift tonight, but I promise I’ll be back in the morning,” she said.

“It’s fine, I wonder if my parents will come today, though did you hear him call me a selfish brat, how dare he call me that though, he doesn’t know me, he stalked me but he doesn’t know me, and I’m so annoyed,” I frowned. “Like and mum just looks like a love sick puppy.”

“I’m on your side on this,” Megan said. “But your mum has been apart from your dad since you were like 2, we both know that she still loves him and they are going to be in a honey moon period again. Although you have cancer they should be considerate.”

“I feel like I have cancer is just an excuse now, am I selfish for wanting my mum to have a little attention on me, whilst I’m going through chemo and my first heart break,” I sighed. “I don’t really know anymore, I have always been focused on keeping like our household going. Since meeting Alex I was able to just be a teenager and he was my escape I didn’t have to think of adult stuff all the time, he made me forget stuff, until I started pushing him away when I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I had cancer. Then I stopped fighting against it and let myself be with him and forget I was sick, and then we obviously slept together.”

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