"I have two more stops Kalon, I'm not that focused. Plus it wouldn't work, I know nothing about running a clinic. I don't have any remarkable capital. I have no doctors to go with me. I ha..."
"Are you kidding me?! There are like a million hippie doctors that dream of helping third world countries, have your pick from the lot! I am sure you can train at any hospital for a couple of months until you get what experience you need. Capital? Darling I will lend you the money you need, and yes in euros. You need more? I will look with you for investors, I will do this with you. I have this medical degree I'm not using, can I apply?" he smirked.
"Do you mean it Kalon? You want to do this with me?"
"I will dear. I wander aimlessly. They say not all those who wander are lost. But I am. Never had purpose, or people relying on me, or people reprimanding me for the sham that I am. But you, and Athena, give me reason to be better. I am trying. Let me help you."
As he confessed about aimlessness, his willingness to help me, and the solutions I never thought of, indirectly he was giving me purpose too. I was lost, again. Yet the slight chance of what I actually wanted come true, seemed as alluring as ever.
"But I have to finish this journey I started. I am supposed to have an epiphany. An old person invoking wisdom to me, a sudden realization of a certain truth, love, gratefulness, appreciation, lessons..."
"Sometimes I wonder how you function. How you graduated, how you reached this age with such stupidity. All this; the countries you are going to, reconnecting with your family, finally realizing what you truly wanted to do in this world. All that, isn't a sudden realization? You are equaling all those positives with one negative; losing a man?"
I was, wasn't I?
"You are right."
"Well obviously. Get over it Jilly. He is with someone else now. It is a folded page. Move on to the next chapter." He practically ordered.
"I should, shouldn't I?"
"You have to dear. Your story with Zen has become redundant. Move past that."
He was right. A repeated story. Pushing and pulling, and evidently torn apart. He wants stability, and I want something else. I don't know what it is, but I want it. I am a nomad, he has found his home and anchor, but I haven't yet.
Kalon was more excited about this than me. He started naming companies and associations that might help us. I mentioned a few pharmaceutical companies that might supply medication and other things and tools we might need. Talking more about it made it real. Now all that is left is execution. For what are dreams if we don't execute the things we dream of?
I never gave Kalon credit. Despite his discrediting past, he did make me a bit braver. He challenged me and awakened a side I thought died. We weren't that equipped to be more than friends though. Some relationships reach that extent only; friendship. He was supportive, had initiative, and cared.
Bolivia. The reason we chose that place. Well once a year, specifically from the end of October till the last days of March and starting days of April which are considered the rainy days in Bolivia, in Salar De Uyni there lies the largest salt flat which transforms into the largest mirror in the world. Where the sky meets the earth. It sounded heavenly at eighteen, wondrous and magical. Yet after a couple of years, the scientific part of me ruled it as simple chemical reaction which was quite magical and wondrous. Part of therapy- self therapy in my case- is a process of regression where one rewinds to the one's childhood. This is regress-ish; I needed to know what effect this place had on this young girl.
"Yes Bolivia." I answered.
"Well after Bolivia and Thailand we need to start with this Jilly. I will speak to a few associations I interned in. I have a good feeling about this." With the unmistakable hint of enthusiasm in his tone.
"So am I Kalon. Thank you."
"Since when do say thank you(s) to me my dear?"
"I am now. Thank you."
"You are very welcome dear. Check if we can use Cecilia's lawyering skills since she is feeling better."
"I don't know if she still wants to be a lawyer. I never asked her. Maybe she wants to avoid it."
"Alex didn't affect her lawyering skill, or her disposition to defend others. So I guess she is fine. Ask her anyways."
We said our goodbyes and disconnected. Bolivia then Thailand. This was it; the end. Near the end. I needed a smoke.
Inhale. Keep the smoke in for two seconds. Then exhale. I felt the trail of smoke push past my teeth which constituted a barricade, exit my mouth slide on my lips, and into the nothingness of the atmosphere. Then repeat. I never smoked, not even once, not even out of curiosity. Yet now, holding the cigarette and handling it, I felt like a pro with years of experience.
"I never thought you would ever smoke. In health care and all, that a bit hypocritical."
"Doesn't everyone in France smoke?"
"Not everyone. Majority yes."
"I just needed to smoke."
"How does a person, who never smoked in their life, actually need it?"
"People who smoked always seemed relieved. Paper wrapped around tobacco and God knows what else, gave so many people relief. Odd thing is, I know why-medically speaking-yet I choose to ignore that, like any other consumer."
"You make no sense nowadays I swear." She said as she shuffled through the magazine she had.
"What did you do in France? That lady died so what made you stay?"
She avoided eye contact, she didn't even want to dignify my question with an answer.
"Jillian have you noticed anything different?"
"I would be a total dense if I didn't notice the change. You are happier darling. How?"
"You will see soon enough."
"What is it with people and ambiguity? Why soon? Why not now?"
"This one is mine to tell, so not now." She said with a giggle.
"And you are saying I am making no sense." I smoked the cigarette till the very tip, then throw it to the ground and crushed the remaining bud for insurance.
"Can we go inside now, or do you want to continue to feed this growing addiction?" she sarcastically remarked.
"Ha ha Cici. No I am done we can go inside. Wanna grab dinner/breakfast first?"
"Oh Jilly I thought you would never ask."
Bolivia is a few hours away. First to California, then a flight to Bolivia. A few hours, then a couple of days till Thailand, and then we are done. Yet now I am not intimidated by the end. I am trying to embrace it. For it was, has been, is, and will be a defining chapter.
YOU ARE READING
Escaping The LoopChickLit
At 28, Jillian realizes that her seemingly perfect life is a continuous mundane routine. she is fed up with conformity and wants change. Along the way, she battles depression, gets nostalgic, falls in love, and realizes that life and living happen w...