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I started walking towards the cliff by the sea, like I normally do these days. Once again I was stupid enough to believe they actually care. They really don't. On the other side, why would they care? I'm just me - the biggest mistake ever made. And when I think about it I, I would leave me too. Even the person I trusted the most left. Promised he wouldn't but that promise is now broken. Isn't it amazing how one person can make you so happy but at the same time break you down worse than any other human being?
I always walk here to get my mind of the things going on in my life, and now, after almost four months, I've decided to do it. I will take my life here and soon enough I'll be nothing but a memory. A wasted fucking memory. I was always just a waste of space anyway, always in the way of my band members' success. They'll be happy when I'm gone.

How did I become so depressed, you may or may not ask. However, it started half a year ago.

Kris walked with me to dance practise and we were already late by twenty minutes. When we entered the room there were some wolf whistles and 'ooo:s'.
"Taoris came late TOGETHER. We all know what that must mean!"
"I hope you're still able to dance Taotao!"
"Kris wasn't too rough, was he?"
Their teasing was interrupted by the harsh voice of Kris. 
"Can you just shut the fuck up and go back to practising?!"
Too scared to do anything else, everyone took their position for 'Growl'.
It went well even though I couldn't think straight. 

Little did I know that this day was going to turn my whole life into a living hell.

Later the same day I went to see how Kris was doing, which started his ultimate hate over my whole existence.
I went up to his door and knocked three times, only to be greeted by the angry leader of Exo-M.
"What do you want?!", he hissed and I winced on the inside. This was bad.
"I was just wondering if something's wrong since you started to act strange after practise."
"Nothing's fucking wrong, now leave me alone.", he said, raising his voice a tiny bit.
"Kris, please tell me!"
"Tao, leave now!"
"But Yifan-"
"Zitao! LEAVE!!", he raised his voice even louder than before.
I sighed but wouldn't give in, no matter how scared I was.
"Gege, please....I'll leave when you tell me. I can wait all night if I have to."
"You wanna know what's wrong?", I nodded eagerly. "You. You're bothering me. So please, stay the fuck away from me."
I could literally hear my heart break. My biggest inspiration and crush wants me to stay away. He doesn't want me near at all. What did I do? Why does he hate me? Am I really this horrible?
"Are you deaf or something? Fucking leave!"
Before he could see my eyes watering, I turned around and went to my room and slammed the door shut. 

He's been ignoring me since that incident. Wait, ignoring is a weak way of describing it. He doesn't even acknowledge my existence, won't as much as look my way. Wouldn't be surprised if the others noticed it as well, I mean...we used to be really close. I'm just trying to figure out what I did wrong. I would happily change anything for Kris, because I really need him in my life.

I sit down on the edge of the cliff and look down at the water, 23 feet down and couldn't help but wonder - what is it like to be dead? Figuring I won't make it out of here alive, I couldn't help but wonder. I should've at least thought about this before coming here again. Oh, I'm so stupid. Maybe that's why I want to die - I'm stupid and worthless and obviously do everything wrong according to Kris's behaviour. I guess I should just get this over with. I already wrote the others a letter, a single sentence to every single member of Exo and my family but also a complete letter to Kris. The others will understand why he got an own letter, they know how much I care and look up to him.

I stand up again. 
I take a couple of deep breaths.
I stretch my back and stand as straight as a pole before slowly letting my body fall over the edge.
The water is really cold but breaking through the ice, like I just did before hitting the water, wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. It was just a thin layer after all.
I swim to the surface and stick my head in the hole I made while falling, and breathe heavily.
'This is it', is the last thought in my head before I slowly let my head drop under the cold water again.
I feel the water enter my lungs and can't help but to feel relieved. 

It will finally be over.


First part out! Please, point out any mistakes I've made and I correct it. The title of this story comes from the song by the side. Thanks for reading!

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