Above & Beyond ✔

48. Denial

Being Blake's girlfriend wasn't so much different from being his hookup, except for we didn't have a taboo topic. Our future.

Since the afternoon we talked in the laboratory, his words were like a wake-up call to me. As much as I wanted to hold on to my dream future, without Blake in it, I could barely see what life had in store for me.

I fell for him. Hard. And it took me forever to admit it because the other part of me was still unsure about love and marriage. I still doubted that it was a thing for me. Because loving someone meant we gave a part of ourselves to our loved one and trusted the person to hold it or to break it.

Will Blake hold a piece of my heart or will he break it? I dared not think of it right now. All I knew was that I didn't want to lose him.

Despite his intense upbringing, Blake was surprisingly an open-minded person when it came to being a partner. It wasn't about having an open relationship, obviously, since we both agreed that we didn't share. It was more about giving me enough room to move.

In my whole life, people around me always told me what was best for me, even when I didn't ask for advice. They wanted to look out for me and I loved them for that, but it was suffocating sometimes. Even my deceitful ex, Tom, always treated me like I was a clueless teenager who needed guidance.

Blake didn't do those things. He listened to my problem, he gave his opinions about the issue, but he wouldn't decide anything for me. I wasn't used to having this, at least not in an extensive way. Even though Blake said he would fully support whatever decisions I made, I couldn't help feeling anxious sometimes. I supposed this was my learning curve of being an adult.

The current test of being one was when I had to decide where I was going to live. I'd been frustrated in the past few days because Nadine and I had come to our last month of being tenants in our flat. Since I decided to stay two months ago, I canceled moving into my mom's apartment.

"You're not listening to me!" I grumbled at my boyfriend who was fixing his eyes on the TV screen. While glaring at him, I put the rest of the croutons from the oven plate into the salad bowl before adding the Caesar dressing to it.

"Of course." Blake tore his eyes from the TV monitor and turned his head to me. "I mean, of course, I'm listening to you."

I put both my hands on my hips. "And? What did I say again?"

"You said..." Blake glanced up, peering at the ceiling. "You didn't know which one to choose, the one in the city or near your current place?"

He did listen. Not wanting to deal with his smug face, I turned around and continued preparing for our lunch. "I'm so tempted to take the one in the city but it's freaking expensive. But then I don't have to burn money for transportation. Everything is within walking distance, including your apartment." I bent over to grab two plates from the cupboard. "The problem is, if I can't get a better job, I'm screwed."

Blake bit his upper lip. I knew he was tempted to tell me to join his Center and not to worry about money, but the last time he did that, it didn't end well. I would not take charity even if it was coming from him, scratch that, especially if it was coming from him. This was not my reason to be with him. I wouldn't want to be his burden, not as long as I could help it. What was the point of getting my degree if I couldn't find a decent job and become an independent human being?

"Well, you still have a month. Maybe look around some more? We can always go check the places on weekends." Blake got up and joined me in the kitchen. He sneaked up behind me and wrapped his hands around my waist, pressing his jaw against my cheek. "Don't worry too much about it."

We sat at his breakfast counter and started digging into the salad, but my mind was still busy digging into my plans.

I'd been working in an international rental company as a junior HR staff for a month. It was a rather clerical job in the first year before they let me into the higher function in the human-resource dynamic. I wasn't very happy with the job, but this was the best option at the moment. Surely, I could find jobs with better pay, but then there was no career path, and I would throw away my background skills. I didn't want that. It would be like chopping my own fingers.