Becoming Ready

Chapter 17 - Getting Personal

"Let's go," River said as they exited Roth's office.

"Go where?" Charlie asked, surprised by his assertion.

"You heard the man, we're going to hang out," he answered.

Charlie frowned. "I don't know that he meant right now."

"No time like the present, baby."

She tilted her head. "And what if I'm busy?"

"Well, are you?" he asked.

Charlie thought about it. She didn't have a shift that night at the Coffee Shop, and today was Shawn's busiest day with classes. He would be at school until later in the evening.

She rolled her eyes, annoyed with herself for not having an excuse. "No, I'm not."

"My lucky day then," he smirked. "You know, usually most girls are pretty psyched to hang out with me."

"They must not know you very well," she smiled sweetly, making him laugh.

They decided to go grab burgers and milkshakes from a drive through. They took River's car, which was an old Ford pickup truck that had been restored. He drove them up into the hills to a nearby lookout, so they could eat with a view.

As they sat in the truck bed eating, River gave her a curious look.

"So, I think it's time you tell me what's up with you an AA," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Oh, you do?" Charlie raised an eyebrow, trying to finish the food in her mouth.

"Yeah, we're supposed to get to know each other. Tell me what I don't know."

Charlie finished chewing. "Okay, fine. I don't have a crazy story. I didn't go to rehab, or get arrested, or do any of the things I hear most people talking about at meetings."

He nodded. "Okay, but you said something happened."

Charlie thought about Senior year. "Right, here it is. Every time I started drinking, I always ended up drinking too much. I didn't black out like, right away, or anything. But each time I did it, I would get much more drunk than I intended. I embarrassed myself several times and made some pretty questionable decisions."

"That sounds pretty normal, for a high schooler. Most kids do stupid stuff when they drink," River pointed out.

"Maybe, but for me, all the guilt and consequences that came with it felt overwhelming. The first time I blacked out, I woke up and had a panic attack, and my boyfriend had to talk me down," she continued.

"Oh, so you did black out?" he asked. "Now this is getting interesting."

"Yes, thankfully Shawn was there and nothing bad happened to me that night. After that I didn't drink for months, until grad night..." she trailed off, unwilling to finish the story.

"Oh, you can't just leave me hanging!" he exclaimed. "What happened on grad night?"

She took a deep breath.

"I'm not one hundred percent sure, but I think I might have... died, for a second," she said, remembering the void. She had yet to say that out loud to anyone until now. She felt chills run down her arms.

River's face became serious. "Like you OD'ed? Alcohol poisoning?"

Charlie nodded.

"Yeah, that'll do it," he agreed. "So that was what made you decide to come to AA?"

She breathed out. She had been pushing those memories down for months. "Yeah."

"And why don't you raise your hand?" he asked, all traces of witty banter gone now. He was being sincere.

"Because... just because I overdid it one night and got scared, doesn't mean I fit in with everyone else. I'd feel like a poser, claiming to be an alcoholic," she shrugged.

He shook his head. "Charlie, do you honestly think with your history that it's safe for you to drink alcohol? You said yourself you always drank more than you meant to."

"No, I don't think it's safe for me," she agreed. "But that's-"

"That's called being an alcoholic," he interrupted her, but his tone was kind. "Just because your story didn't get any worse, that doesn't mean you don't belong. Why run back into a burning building if you got out alive?"

Charlie considered the question. She never thought about it that way before. She had also never shared with anyone like this before. She hadn't wanted to scare Courtney, or Shawn for that matter. They had wanted her to go to AA without even knowing all the gory details. She couldn't imagine what they would think if they knew the truth. Shawn probably would have broken up with her on the spot if he thought she was that out of control. Or at least, he would have insisted she take the same six months to herself that he did to work with a sponsor.

Despite everything, it was strangely comforting to have someone confirm what was wrong with her. It was a question she had been wrestling with for months.

She took a sip of her milkshake and looked at River appreciatively.

"Thank you," she said. And she meant it.

***So that's a different side of River... he helped Charlie realize something important about herself. what do you think of him now?