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ugh I want hot chicken wings and chicken with hot chilli sauce and crispy chicken pieces and the mega mix chicken burger #onMondaysI'mAVegetarian
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I was knocked to the ground and I think I cared more about the rat shit getting in my hair than I did about Hans screaming in my face. He slapped me across the face hard and my cheek stung, throbbing from his force. "Mother, I did everything for you! Everything! Why must you treat me like this?! You gave Father all your love when the bastard didn't deserve it! I did!"

I tried to cover my snort of laughter with coughing and then reached up with my hand to place gently on Hans' cheek. His eyes closed in bliss and I wanted to explode into high shrieks of laughter. "Oh... Oh, Hans, darling, your Father was great in bed and he --"

Uncomfortably, I stiffened. Hans laid his head between the crook of my neck, kissing me passionately. I inhaled sharply from my nose before shoving him off of me. He rolled over, confused, and said. "Mother?"

"I don't know what books you've been reading or what shows you've been watching with rotting Linda, but mothers and sons do not do that!" I quickly stood up, brushing myself down, rock hard pieces of brown crap went flying and I shuddered. "Hans, for the love of all that's holy, can I open a window?"

He held up his hand for me to help bring him up from the floor and I grabbed it, yanking, and he stood, brushing against me and making no move to stand back. I guess his parents forgot to teach him about personal space amongst a thousand other things. "Linda doesn't like --"

"Mother of seven fucking heavens, Hans! Did Linda say that, did she specifically say, 'oh, no, don't you dare let fresh air touch my corpse, no, no, no, how dare you'!"

"Linda doesn't have a voice like a dog's whistle," Hans glowered, moving to sit besides her. He held his ear to her lips and I looked around to see if anyone else was tuned in to this complete freak show. "Linda said for her mother-in-law she'll make an exception but she wants me to do it."

I kicked Linda and my foot squelched as it hit her while Hans stood up, opening the window to the smallest crack. "Hans, come on, I've seen bigger cracks on men bent over."

He relented, sighing. "Whatever pleases Mother. I'm going to go pack my bags and than we can leave."

I felt like I had missed half of a conversation. "Leave? If by leave, you mean, I drop you off to the nearest mental institution."

"Didn't you hear Linda?! She wants to meet the rest of the family."

"OK, Hans, sure," I agreed simply for the sake of it, ready to make a runner as soon as Hans was packing. "I'm sure the family will be happy to see you."

Hans grinned widely, pushing back his wispy golden-white hair from his face and hopping over to me. He leaned in to me and I stood back, unsure if he was going to slobber all over me, but he simply kissed my cheek. Weirdly, I felt proud then and when Hans went racing off upstairs, I turned to Linda and said. "That's my son."

It was an awkward silence between us, the in-laws, as we waited for Hans to return. He came down carrying a potted plant and a suitcase. "I have clothes for you, Mother!"

"Great. I can get changed in the car. Is, uh, Linda coming with us because I don't think she really likes me and she has a lot of housework to do - at least, that's what she's told me."

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