Sunday, Feb 8th

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Tomorrow's my birthday. I'm not sure if I should be feeling any different. Should I? It feels like it's another f****ing day. 

On the weekend we'll have guests and family coming over. It'll be stressful as f**** and I'm a little uncomfortable around them. I feel like I can't be myself, like I can't express myself like I'd like to. Oh well, I'll get trough it somehow. I'll probably be in my room most of the time anyway - have to keep up the act (which isn't an act actually) that I'm just unsociable.

But today, I woke up and surprisingly I didn't have a hangover. I remember how drunk I was yesterday - laughed A LOT and everything was spinning a little. So, yeah, it was a good suprise I guess.

I've been more emotional today than I have in a while (maybe it's the hangover after all?). I feel things more strongly - disgust, sadness, happiness, etc. Dunno.

So, the most major thing that happened today - I had a minor panic attack.

I take courses in the city after school and  usually, a family friend drives me to and fro to the train station. Well, now I have to do this myself. And today, my mother was talking about how I have to do this and where to go and about the public transportation. I got upset because I'm terrified of being in a strange city in the dark and not knowing where to go and knowing, that no-one could come and get me if I really flip out.

I HAVE A F*****ING ANXIETY DISORDER AND SHE WANTS ME TO DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF. How can she just brush it off when I tell her I'm not ready to do this alone, I don't know how. But she just tells me it's so easy and shit like that. Arrrggghhh.

Well, yeah. I went to my room, started crying and then I couldn't breathe properly. My breathing was erratic and really fast, like it was hard to take a deep breath. It lasted about 5 to 10 minutes so thank God. 

What immediately followed, was that I wanted to cut. All I thought when it was going on that cutting would make it stop. Like it suck all the excess feelings away.

I decided to do so. I got the rubbing alcohol, the pads, the bandages - all of it ready. But thank god, I got distracted. I remembered I had to do a ton of homework because I missed two days of school. So yeah, I got at it. 

Right now I feel the pull a little, but it's not that intense as it was just after the attack. 

I know even where I want to cut when I do. Not on my thighs - don't like that, not on my arms  - did that and it's too obvious. So, the best place for me is on my hips - no-one sees, no-one knows and I feel the pain and not a truckload of emotions.

Oh God, I have to stop thinking 'bout that. IT'S NOT GOOD, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANYTHING BETTER AND WHO THE HELL WOULD CUT BEFORE THEIR BIRTHDAY????? ARE YOU A F***ING IDIOT???? STOP IT!

Sorry, this was me talking(yelling) to myself because I know this is bad, yet I still can't let it go. F***k.

Ok, that's all, I'm really mad at me right now.

Thanks for reading and happy birthday to me.

Bye!

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