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Panic Disorder.

I'm afraid of leaving my house.
I just want to stay inside a safe place where I know that nothing bad is going to happen to me.

Panic Disorder is taking your usual route but then you start to panic, you can't breathe, you're gasping for air, your crying, holding onto your chest, feeling like your going to die, but then you breathe in slowly and regularly.

It's taking another route because you're trying to avoid another attack. But the. it happens again. Now you want to stay home and never leave, it interferes with your life and you can't do anything about it.

It's being in class and you begin to have an anxiety attack when the teacher calls on you and you run out the door grasping for hair and crying.

During school the amount of anxiety attacks I get is unbelievable.

Self-Harm.

My arm is half way full with scars. Blood trickles down my wrists every time I open a new wound. The feeling of opening your own skin takes the pain away.

Self-Harm, is sitting in your room crying or feeling angry and you get any sharp thing in your room and you cut, you cut as many times as you can when you stop feeling the pain.

It's starting off with 3 cuts but then leads with 13 cuts. When your razor feels dull you throw it away and grab a sharper one. You've forgotten how nice it had felt since you've gotten a new one that the feeling is foreign.

No one notices why I have so many bracelets and why I always wear a sweater. Why I always hide my arm. Why I never let people grab my arm.

Depression.

I don't care anymore about what happens to me. I've isolated myself from so many people, I harm myself and other people.

Depression isn't sadness or crying.

Depression is when you wake up every morning struggling to get out of bed because the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

It's yelling out "SAVE ME!" but no one can hear you. Its trying to breathe but you have so much oxygen in your lungs that you let it out.

Panic Disorder. Self-Harm. Depression.

All those.
I've dealing with for more than 2 years.

People come to me because I know how to talk them out of suicide but I can't even do that with myself.

I've had a girl talk to me telling me that she's not loved. She posts her cuts on snapchat. She tells people how she wants to cut because her boyfriend doesn't talk to her.

When someone does something like that it pisses me off because they don't know how it actually feels to self-harm every night because you know that the weight you are caring on your shoulders is to much. Because you know that people hate you. Because you know you aren't the daughter or son that your parents set you out to be.

I live in constant fear that someday I will not be breathing because I've harmed myself to the point where someone finds me on the ground and they have to see my lifeless body on the ground.

That's how it feels having all 3 of those. Self-Harm is addiction. It's like smoking a cigarette and after the first one you want more and more. Thats how addicting it is. It's an addiction that you can't stop doing it.

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I'm still trying to find myself in this pool of...I don't even know what to call it anymore.

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