i want to throw you out just like my broken tv

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okay so i really hate sundays. like, seriously, why is it that i always get this feeling on sundays?

ik it's sensory overload and i get that but why always on sundays? at first i was thinking maybe bc i'm always around my family on sundays but sometimes i'm with my friends (obviously not now) or i'm just generally somewhere else. or sometimes not even a lot is happening around me sense-wise. but every sunday i feel depressed, and yeah there are other days when i feel this too but sunday never fails to make me feel like this. i can still laugh if i want but i just constantly feel like crying and everything gets on my nerves and i want nothing more than to just get into my bed and sleep all day. 

and recently i've been feeling more hopeless ig?? like it's not like i want to die but i want to just not exist, just observe everything around me. i have no motivation to do anything, i really want to draw or write rn, even get a head start on my college work (since i sped through my other work as a way to distract myself) but i'm just not feeling it.

and not to mention my intrusive thoughts got really bad yesterday, i kept imaging gory things at first, then they turned sexually explicit and it makes me feel so terrible. and i think the knowledge that jeffery dahmer had intrusive thoughts that he aggressively tried to push away and that led to him becoming who he was makes everything 10,000x worse. bc then my mind starts racing like "what if i'm not treating these thoughts correctly, what if i end up accidentally making these thoughts stronger, what if i give in" all this crap that makes me even more anxious and scared. 

for example, yesterday my thoughts were racing like crazy for some reason about car crashes and all that jazz so i tried to distract myself by thinking about this funny tik tok i had seen the other night (big mistake) it was basically some kid talking about hell (some religious commercial) basically that it's incredibly hot and you eternally suffer in the heat and when i first saw it, i jokingly thought "but what if it's like the frog effect?" ya know, the one where you slowly turn up the heat on a frog in a pot of water and the frog won't realize it's boiling to death until it's too late. since i used to take scalding hot showers just to feel something (ik that sounds edgy but seriously i wanted to feel it sjhflsl) i knew that slowly increasing the heat makes the heat less noticeable. so then my mind started wandering again and i began imagining/planning (for when i'm at home alone) just putting a pan on the stove and putting my hand on it while slowly increasing the heat. when i tell you shit got graphic, jeez-

basically i was imagining the burns that would show up on my hand, imagining what being burned alive would feel like, then (for some reason) my most recurring intrusive thought came up, which is basically what it would feel like to be slit across my achilles tendon, what it'd feel like to have that cut in half

anyways yeah, let's see the checklist, feeling useless and borderline suicidal, check. intrusive thoughts have been getting worse, check. oh, did i mention that my parents outright told me they think there's something wrong with me and wanted to send me to therapy? ("but the free kind, it's too expensive", my parents' exact words) i mean they aren't wrong but it was just upsetting bc i've been opening up to them more and now they think "quarantine is getting to me" but it's like "bitch, no. i've always been like this, i just didn't trust you enough and now i do but apparently that was a mistake."

but yeah, paranoia's gotten worse, intrusive thoughts are worse, depressive episodes are a little less intense and frequent, more dragged out over many days and of low intensity, all of these things are pending a diagnosis, but yeah, life's great :)

1/24/21 (damn, i swear it was the 20th just yesterday)

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