BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE - REMUS LUPIN

31 - "THERAPY WITH JAMES POTTER"

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

"therapy with james potter"

For some reason, Remus couldn't stop thinking of that day by the lake when Hollis had disposed of her grandmother's rusted ring in the black water. He should be preoccupied with the argument he just had, but his mind stubbornly wandered back to the same phrase over and over.

I would sooner die than let that happen.

Hollis had said it with such confidence, like she had given a significant amount of thought to the idea of dying before giving in to her family.

He dragged his fingers along the rough leather band strapped along his wrist subconsciously as he stared up at the dark red canopy above him.

She refuses to be helped, ever, he fumed. Every single time one of us offered anything as small as helping with a Transfiguration essay to getting revenge on whoever's hurting her, she just says no. Yet she always helps us without so much as blinking. With becoming Animagi, healing me, pranking, and just generally being a good person. And she would help others she barely knew, like that boy on the tower.

It was enough to drive Remus mad. He rolled over, hoping that getting more comfortable would help him sleep and get his mind off Hollis.

From his left, there was a clink of a water glass being set down on a mahogany bedside table. James must be awake as well.

"Remus?" whispered James, turning towards his also worried friend's bed. His anger had faded the longer he dissected the argument, the concern taking over the irritation and leaving him with nothing but guilt-ridden anxiety. 

"Let's go to the common room so that we don't wake them up," Remus said softly, swinging his feet from under the quilt and down to the thick, soft rug.

James swiftly followed suit, trailing right behind Remus. He shut the iron-hinged door as quietly as possible before turning around and clambering down the stone stairs behind Lupin to the firelit common room.

Remus was already sitting against an orange, cushy couch with his forearms resting on his thighs. He was looking down with a slightly pale face at the ground, like the oriental carpet would give him answers if he stared it down long enough.

James unceremoniously sat next to him on the sofa, and the two boys were silent for a few seconds.

"What do we do?" James asked slowly, his voice joining the crackling fire.

"What can we do, James?" replied Remus after a couple of moments, raking a hand through his hair in frustration. "She rejects me- us, I mean, every single time we try to help her. What can we do to help if we don't even know the problem?" 

Potter considered this for a second before correcting Remus.

"Actually, mate, we do know part of the problem here," James said thoughtfully.

Remus looked at him with a curious expression. "What are you going on about?"

James stood up, every pace fueling his thoughts a little further.

"Well, we already know that something or someone happened to her at that pureblood ball on Christmas Day," James said, and Remus nodded in agreement. "And remember when she said that she had experienced the damage Dark Arts had done firsthand?' he asked, and Remus nodded again.

"But that range is so wide, James" Remus sighed, shaking his head.

"Yea, but," Potter started hopefully, but his optimism was fading.

James knew too that no matter how often he drew up conclusions in his head, nothing besides what Hollis told them herself would be the truth. Their thoughts arrived at that same place in unison, desperate expressions flickering in the amber firelight.

"Goddamit, Hollis," Remus muttered, slamming his fist loudly on the carved wooden table. James inhaled sharply. He didn't remember the last time he had seen Lupin this undone.

"What's wrong with me?" Remus asked desperately, looking at James with furrowed eyebrows, silently pleading for answers to why he could no longer understand his own emotions. Potter was silent for a few beats before he answered.

"I don't think you want me to say it again," James said in a low tone.

Remus turned his neck so that he was looking away from James and into the dying fire. He knew what James was talking about without him having to repeat his words from months ago. The phrase hadn't left his mind since it had been spoken.

Remus, you care about her so goddamn much. And it's different from how the rest of us do.

"She's wrong, you know," Lupin whispered. 

"About what?" James asked.

"About things not changing," Remus replied, more sure of himself as he said the words out loud and not to himself. "Things have changed, and I know they have. She knows it too, she just isn't saying it."

James leaned forward.

"I'm not entirely sure when the scales tipped. Maybe it was the first time we ever saw her hurt and I got so upset even though I didn't even know her," Remus said, trying to work it out for himself. "Maybe that was all the change I needed for it to turn into this."

He began to fidget with the ties to his sweatpants.

"Maybe it was after having that dream about her," he said, brows furrowing. "Maybe it was after she disarmed Nott for me, maybe even- don't you see? You know me, James, I can always figure out everyone's emotions, especially my own! But now, now I can't even- I can't-"

"Deep breath," Potter counseled. "There you go."

"I think not knowing my emotions is making me go mad- she's making me go mad, James," Remus pushed out, voice shaking and eyes locked onto Potter's. "And I don't think that just friendship should do that to someone."

James didn't know what to say to Remus besides I told you so. 

But that's not very Euphemia of you, Potter thought, accepting his new role. Actually, that is exactly what she'd say to me right now if I was in this situation. Sorry, Remus.

"I told you so," James sighed, shaking his head. "I told you, Moony. It's insane what five months can do to you, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Remus sighed. "Yeah, it is."

"Then again, I fell in love with Lily in one second, so-"

"Shut up."

"Sorry."

james carries the entire marauders era idc 

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