Post-it Note

Chapter 39

"Guys I'm really glad you came but I just feel bad because it's going to be so sad around my house." Niall states as we stand outside his little brick house in Mullingar. His hometown is quaint with local stores and children playing on the fields. There are more than enough bars with old men drinking and smoking in front of it on a Tuesday morning. My family lives in Dublin so this is a very different atmosphere from the big city.

"Don't worry Niall we are here for you. We will do whatever it takes to make you feel as comfortable as possible during this sad time in your life." I feel awful for Niall. I know I hate my sister but I could never even fathom what it feels like to see your sibling in a coffin.

Harry pats Niall on the back as he opens the white wooden door into his home. As we walk in it smells like tea and burning wood, like any other house in Ireland. There are more people in the house than it can fit but it feels strangely comfortable. It might help that Harry has his strong arm wrapped around my waist as we walk into the kitchen where Niall's family sits around the counter.

Without a word, Niall goes up to his mother and hugs her. Niall's mom is a short, blonde hair woman and the sorrow in her eyes pains me. A sweet lady like her doesn't deserve to go through such pain of having to bury her son at such a young age.

"Mum you know Harry and this is...his girlfriend Delaney." Niall hesitates calling me Harry's girlfriend in front of his family.

"Hello it is nice to meet you Delaney and it's nice to see you again Harold. It was very nice of yous to come. The wake is in 3 hours and then the funeral is all day tomorrow ." Niall's mom is a strong woman. She smiles politely at us and walked away to serve all the guests standing around in her house. Her strength is inspiring.

Niall walks away to say hello to all of his family and friends, leaving Harry and I alone in the kitchen surrounded by strangers. There are a lot of old men and women sitting around drinking wine and beer, which to me is very rude but I know it's a tradition in the Irish culture. It's so strange how people can just sit and talk in the house of a man that recently passed. I feel extremely uncomfortable even standing here let alone chilling out, drinking alcohol. After that thought I immediately get goosebumps.

"You okay babe?" Harry asked kindly, rubbing my back after noticing my goosebumps.

"Yeah I'm fine. I'm just not very good at being around sad situations." I shyly smile at Harry, walking outside of Niall's house to sit outside. Harry follows.

The weather in Mullingar today is perfect. The sun is shining and there's just enough wind to make you not sweat. Normally the weather in Ireland is shit but today, oddly enough, is beautiful. It's perfectly comfortable and there is no sign that there in the rain today. Children are playing on the streets and birds are chirping around me but inside that house, there is nothing but darkness. It's so strange that if someone took a picture of Harry and I sitting outside right now, they would have no idea what was going on inside that house. They would have no idea that this very moment Niall's mother is probably weeping over the death of her son. They would have no idea that every breath Niall takes it makes it harder for him not to burst out into tears. It makes you really think about how on the outside everything can look perfect but on the inside life can be a total mess.

"Has anyone really important to you ever died Harry?" I ask, sitting with my legs crossed on a porch chair.

"Well you know my grandmother died but besides that I think the hardest death for me to handle was...' Harry pauses to think. 'my mother's miscarriage." Oh I was not expecting that.

"Harry I'm so sorry." I stand up and go to sit up Harry's lap. I wrap my hands around the back of his neck and massage it.

"Her name was going to be Abigail. My mum was 7 months pregnant when I was about 15 when she lost her. I was so excited to have another sister but then the poor thing died and the doctors never found out why. My mom was healthy but Abigail didn't make it. I was so upset. I was a teenage so I understand and it hurt so bad." Tears formed in Harry's eyes as he continued to explain his terrible loss.

"Oh Harry. I feel awful. That most have been so hard for you to go through at such a young age."

"It was 6 years ago and I'm still not over it. I go to her grave everytime I get to go home." Harry tries to smile at me but my heart breaks and I hug him. People always get so hurt. Why does God hurt the people he put on this Earth? And why does he take them away? Why did he take Abigail away from Harry and his family? Why did he take Steph away from me? God needs to figure out his shit because it's starting to just get ridiculous and I refuse to lose another person I love. The loss of Steph destroyed me and I will never be fully happy without her. I'm sure Anne feels the same way about losing Abigail.

I never want to be a mother. I'm scared I will disappoint them or ruin their lives. What if they hate me? What if they don't even make it like Abigail? What if I'm a terrible mother? There are so many what ifs and I can't imagine being a disappoint. Everyone thinks I'm crazy but I don't want to be a mother nor do I really want to be a wife. I don't want to let people down so why should I put myself in that position?

"Delaney?" Harry quietly called my name as I was caught up in my own head.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too Harry." I nuzzle myself into the curves on Harry's body as he sits down on the chair. Harry kisses my forehead as we just sit quietly, embracing eachother and the beautiful sunshine both to afraid to go back inside and face the sad reality of the world.