I walk into his apartment with the objective of saying goodbye, something he isn't aware of. I keep reminding myself that this is what is best. That this is what he needs and what I need. It's not fair for this to happen, and I know he can't handle it. He could lie to himself I suppose, my I need to stay strong. I have to. I just wish he'll understand.
Harry practically tackles me in a hug, lifting me off the ground and breathing in my neck.
"Why have you been ignoring me? It's bee like, I dunno, two weeks," he complains, squeezing me tighter. I rub my palms up and down the expanse of his back and try to save the memory of him. Everything that encompasses him. Just him. His bright illuminate soul. He truly is beautiful. And I'm going to miss him. He's made my life so much better within the time we've had with each other.
He sets me down, and grabs my shoulders firmly while staring into my eyes with a deep seriousness.
"So, pizza or Greek?" He asks expectantly, this boyish sloppy grin on his face. And when I think he's actually understanding me, oh boy. This boy is gonna kill me. I mentally groaned and sighed and palmed my forehead at his oblivious disposition.
"Harry, i need to talk to you. Maybe you should sit down." His eyebrows furrowed and his smile vanished. My stomach twisted into a thousand knots.
"I don't want to sit down, it can't be that bad," he said, crossing his arms. I closed my eyes in frustration and decided against this elaborate speech I had prepared. Maybe honesty is the right way.
"Fine." I took a deep breath and tightened my jaw before speaking the words I've been dreading for the last two weeks. "I'm pregnant." His face pales and jaw drops. I thought he was going to collapse but instead he just swallows, the kind of swallow he does before talking. "No, don't talk. Don't tell me to stay, don't tell me you'll take care of me and don't tell you want this baby okay? Just don't." I didn't shout, but my tone could sound less irritated. "You aren't ready for this, I know it. I'm not asking anything from you. I have an apartment in another city, and a job too. I'm leaving in half an hour so you can't change my mind."
"I-i" Harry stutters, failing to notion a single word with more more than one letter. That's all he managed to get out, he is rendered speechless.
"I want you to have fun, Haz. Enjoy yourself and your friends and Nadine and Cara and Kendall okay?" I was being honest, our relationship was platonic with...other things resulting in this pregnancy. Maybe it was more than platonic but we never labeled it because he didn't want to. He has so many girls at his fingertips and I know I'm not the only one, hence the song I wrote for Sam Smith. All these thoughts though are just messing me up, so I'm pushing them aside for now to focus on this. Jesus Christ I'm losing my mind.
He just keeps silent, his face not giving off anything.
"Have fun," I repeated, grabbing his forearm and shaking it a bit to lighten the mood. He doesn't smile, he doesn't react. He feels like stone. I sigh deeply, because I don't know what else to do frankly. "I want the best for you, and I want you to enjoy your life. I want you to forget about me, okay? Forget about me. Forget about everything and live it up for gods sake you just turned 21!"
"How do you know what's best for me? What if you're what's best for me? What if this baby is what's best for me?" He sounds frantic, misplaced, afraid.
"I'm not. You're not ready, and I'm not tying you down. My mom got pregnant with me and my dad had to stay because of that, and he's miserable! I can't do that to you okay? I can't guilt you into anything and I don't want to. So please, just listen to me, just forget-"
"How could you ask me to forget about you?! About us?! How little do you think of me? I-I love you with every piece of me, how could you just leave?"
"Stop, stop it harry, stop it right now," I cried pathetically, throwing my body into his arms and encasing myself in the safe embrace of Haz. So much for being strong. It wasn't even a blink of an eye when he started sobbing with me. Hopefully he's realizing that I'm leaving, and that this isn't going to work. It can't. I'm not ruining his life. He has so much potential to be even better than what he is.
"Please Violet, please," he continues to sob.
"Please what?" I cried back, holding him tighter and dampening his soft good-smelling shirt.
"I don't know what the f--- I'm saying," he says. I laughed through my cries. I can't believe I'm laughing. "You're not going to...to get rid of it are you?" He asks suddenly, pulling me back to stare at my stomach that hasn't grown a millimeter.
"No, I'm not." He sniffles, eyes bloodshot and suddenly dark with exhaustion.
"I love you, Violet, so much."
"I love you too Harry."
Our goodbye ended less dramatically than I pictured. We hugged again, we kissed, but the simple kind of kiss. His door closed, and I walked down the silent crisp hallway of the lavish apartment building. In a blink of an eye, it was over, and I had left.