Vent Book.

Venting #20

Loneliness, it's a feeling that I know all too well. It comes and goes, but it always prefers to stay with me though it all. But with recent events and occurrences, it has decided to move in, isn't that wonderful? That was a rhetorical question by the way, and it's far from wonderful, it's saddening to say the least. No matter what I do, no matter who I talk to, I always feel alone, always. Especially with my family, I can never feel included with them at all. And with my friends as well, I can never feel included. Even with my closest friend in the world, I feel left out and I feel like I don't matter in the slightest. It's funny, really: he says that I'm his first choice, but we both know that isn't physically possible. I'm always the second choice, no matter what, so how can he say that I'm his first choice? And with my other bestfriends, I know for a damn fact they would choose their other friends over me, I don't even have to question if they would pick me second or last. It's sad, it's sad that I have to be so pathetic to the point where I am always second choice. I mean, how could your(my bestfriends'), other friends be a better choice than me? Hah, who am I kidding? I'll NEVER be better than their other friends...I don't even compare in the slightest bit to them. WHAT MAKES THEM BETTER THAN ME?!? WHAT MAKES YOU(my bestfriends) PREFER THEM OVER ME?!?
TELL ME NOW, F*CKING TELL ME!!! And once you do tell me, maybe then I can finally be the one you desire. I could be enough for someone. I would finally be your first choice! If I change myself enough, maybe someone would finally be want to be my friend, that's all I ever wanted! I wouldn't feel alone, I wouldn't feel like I'm the problem anymore! And most importantly, I wouldn't be treated like a mistake, I wouldn't be treated like I was valueless. I would finally be free of this self hatred that binds me, I would finally be happy again! I wouldn't need to fake my happiness anymore! I could say that I'm okay, I'm actually okay! I could finally be someone I always wanted to be, a person that actually mattered, and a person that is wanted! And maybe my bestfriends, would actually want to do things with me, and be truthful about it too! Maybe then they would go out of their way to call me first, and initiate a conversation with me first! But all of those amazing things I listed are all just one big fantasy. What I want could never become a reality, it isn't even near possible. It could never happen, and I need to get over myself. My stupid and pathetic delusions, thinking that I could actually be wanted, that I could actually be the first choice. I can't believe that I actually thought I mattered, that I actually had a purpose to live. But, I'm obviously in denial, I tell myself lies every single day of my damning life. I lie to myself, saying that I could actually be loved by someone other than my mother. Haha, silly me! My mother doesn't love me and has never loved me before. Nor does my father, they never wanted me in the first place, I was the result of a stupid fling! They never wanted to have me, my mother never wanted to birth me! I was nothing but a mere mistake, and it's no wonder why my father never signed my birth certificate. I mean, why would he? Why would he harbor the shame of me being his daughter?!? And the worst part of it all, I'll never know who he is. Nor will I ever get his love and affection, I guess I'm just not worthy of it, which is painfully obvious. Sometimes, I just wish she done it...I wish she would've gotten an abortion....