I want to live. I want to love. I think I am ready.

and you smile that beautiful smile

«What are you talking about, Castiel?» Cas almost wants to laugh at how wrong the Shadow gets Dean, but still, it's so close that one day, Cas knows it will break him.

«I know it's not Dean. And you know I know that.» At that, the figure starts to change. A black emptiness takes hold of Dean's body, and then the Shadow is standing in front of Cas.

«It's no fun when you do that, angel.» The shadow circles him, Cas following the motion to keep his eye on the black Shadow. «It is, however, funny how you think I would just let you sleep peacefully when you keep waking me up all the time.»

«I don't know how I do that, but I'll stop it if you stop coming to me as him.»

«Oh you poor, lovesick little angel. You keep waking me up with your longing and your regrets, and I hate being awake. And if I have to stay awake, I'm going to make sure that you suffer with me.»

At that, the Shadow disappears and Cas collapses into a restless sleep.

***

The next time the Shadow approaches him as Dean, it has chosen another attitude. This one is the one that is the easiest to put up with.

It is mostly just the Shadow, as Dean, yelling at Cas. Yelling at him for everything he has ever done wrong. All the awful things he has done. The things Cas regret.

The Shadow also tells Cas how much he hates him. It stings, hearing those words from someone that looks so much like Dean. It tells Cas that he isn't loved. Or wanted. It hurts.

It also uses his last words against him. Telling Cas, as Dean, how he can never love him. How Dean could never love someone like him. Never love such an awful creature. That his feelings for Cas are only hatred and anger. Never love. It hurts.

But, Cas knows Dean never loved him like that. He knows he didn't feel the same way. And all the while the empty is yelling at him, Cas has his eyes locked at Dean's green ones. To remind him that this isn't his Dean. Even if Dean didn't feel the same way as Cas did, he knows that Dean would never hurt Cas like this on purpose.

So he can handle the times the Shadow has Dean hate him.

***

The next time is worse.

This time, as the Shadow approaches him as Dean, Cas almost breaks. It's too real, and it's everything Cas has ever wanted for Dean to tell him. And Cas wants to believe him so badly. Wants to believe that this is his Dean.

But. It's still the wrong eyes. Still the wrong shade of green shining like a star in an ocean of empty darkness.

«Cas!» Dean comes running towards him. Embracing him when he gets close enough. For a moment Cas leans into the embrace, imagining for a moment that it's his Dean. «I found you. I finally found you.»

«Dean...» Cas closes his eyes so he won't be looking into his eyes when he says it. He knows what comes next, and for just a moment he wants to think it's real.

«Castiel. I have to tell you something.» Eyes still closed, Cas can feel Dean's hands cupping his face, his body moving closer to his so that they are standing as close as possible. «I should have told you a long time ago. I should have told you that night. I know I'm late, I'm sorry.»

«Dean...»

«No, Cas. Let me say it.» The next words are like a punch in his gut. A pain so severe Cas wants to let it break him. «I love you, Castiel. I love you too. I have since the moment I met you. I love you.»

A tear betrays him as it falls from Cas's closed eyes. For just a moment longer, he wants to pretend it's actually Dean. But it's not.

As he opens his eyes, Cas places both of his hands firmly on Dean's chest. And pushes him away. Except, this time, Dean holds firmly on to Cas and they both stumble to the ground. Or what would be a ground, if there were such things in the Empty.

«Cas, I love you.»

«De... don't do this to me. Not like this. Anything but this.»

The Shadow, in the shape of Dean, rolls him over, and lays against his chest, staring down at Cas. There aren't enough freckles under his left eye. The ones on his right cheek, just above his jaw is too light.

The eyes are wrong.

The eyes are wrong.

The eyes are wrong.

Dean.

He smiles that beautiful smile of his. The smile that countless times has melted him. That smile on anyone else other than the real Dean is a cruel evil. His green eyes going from his lips to his eyes, and then back at his lips, Dean slowly leans closer. Smiling that beautiful smile.

This hasn't happened before.

It makes Cas want to believe it's real.

It's not.

But, he wants it to be.

Frozen, laying beneath Dean, Cas stares at him, not able to move. He can feel Deans short breaths on his lips. All he has to do is lift his head slightly, and Cas would finally get to know what those lips feel like on his own. Instead, Cas closes his eyes.

This is going to break him.

The eyes are wrong.

It's not Dean.

The eyes are wrong.

This is going to break him.

When he opens them again, Dean is so close that Cas forgets to breathe. And then Dean's hands slowly move from his face to his throat. Holding Cas by his throat. Still staring at his lips, as close as possible without touching, a wicked grin spreads across Dean's face.

And his hands squeeze tight.

He doesn't even fight it. Cas just stares sadly up into those green eyes. The eyes are wrong.

«I. Will. Never. Love. You.» Good, the anger is more bearable. The love is what breaks him. But this, he can endure. The Shadow, still appearing as Dean laughs as his hands keep choking the life out of the angel. «The look on your face. It's almost worth being awake for. To believe Dean Winchester would ever love you. A fool's hope, Castiel. You're a fool, Castiel.»

«I know.» He manages to choke out before he collapses in the darkness.