DOWN IT DICKHEAD.

wap

The next day Ron and Hermione didn't speak once.

"So much for getting railed." Ron irritably whined at Harry and I in divination. We were reading tealeaves out of tea cups.

"I don't know how you think Hermione's going to rail you when you haven't even spoken today or spoken ever like that." I replied, bored and focused on moulding my tealeaves into Lavender getting fucked up the arse by You-Know-Who.

We'd already smoked some weed this morning and I was feeling frisky.

Wow the tea leave silhouette looked good. I was a fucking genius.

"What, no I don't want to fuck Hermione!" Ron spluttered at me. I'd literally forgotten what we were talking about. "I just thought... she acted like... ugh never-mind." He dropped his head into his arms while I scrawled NOW DO YOU BELIEVE HE'S BACK? onto a ripped out bit of text book before levitating the note and teacup onto Lavender's desk.

Harry laughed as she squealed shrilly at the creation and I grinned in satisfaction. What a cunt.

"Ay you know what I thought of last night?" Harry said excitedly as Ron groaned for attention. "Since Voldemort has no head hair does that also mean he's also bald round the balls?"

I snorted loudly. "Yeah, just smooth." Thinking about it more I was bent over in laughter. "I imagine him fucking fully grown big bollocks You-Know-Who with no body hair and a fucking child's dick."

"HAHFIAH-" Harry broke off. "Yeah he's just been over compensating this whole time."

"That's so embarrassing for him-" I wheezed. "Hey, Harry you should bring that up next time you fight him."

I mean, I hope I never see him again... but if I do-" Harry grinned wickedly. "Hey Voldy, tell me, is it true your dick's a half inch?"

"Oh my god-" Ron was involved now, hardly holding in the giggles. "Guess what I just realised."

"What?" I smiled eagerly, eyes dull red.

His eyes were wild looking. "No head hair means no pubic hair so surely no nose means no dick."

OH FUCK. Ron was a fucking messiah.

"You're right!" Harry said certainly. The fumes of Divination were messing with my head even more.

NO WAY.

"Wow Ron," I said in high awe. "How does it feel like being the wizard equivalent of Jesus-"

"SO HE'S JUST SMOOTH SKIN, all the way round the bottom???" Ron continued, amazed with himself.

"Oh." Everything was coming back to me now. Wow. "That reminds me of a question I had for you both. Do men have a smooth patch of land between dick and arse crack or-"

Draco found me in Defence Against the Dark Arts on Tuesday. I'd been bent over picking up paper and he'd come in to talk to Umbridge.

I stiffened as he got there, posture righted and dithering by my desk. When Umbridge left the room to fetch something, Draco turned slowly and leant back on the desk.

Oh shit here we fucking go again.

"Lottie." He said my name. Like my actual name. This meant- right???

"Draco." I shyly smiled back. "Busy being Umbrage's bitch I assume?"

It wasn't even that wild of an accusation.

"I only came here for one thing." He replied obscurely.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, Umbridge's soppy vag."

"What did you pick up yesterday?" he asked, amusement on his lips.

"What??" I pushed hair out my eyes and looked at that handsome face.

"Yesterday at the sex shop. What did you buy?"

I gulped. "Have you lost your mind Draco? Where not going to fucking use it or something, I told you we're not doing anything till you break up with-"

"What the fuck makes you think I want to do anything with you?" He sneered, crossing those rugged arms that I wanted to choke me. "No no, this is just small talk."

I made a face. "This is your idea of small talk?"

He grinned. "I like to keep things interesting."

yooooo so i did give up on this chapter 👍 SORRY!