That Wasn't Even Sexy

1 0 0
                                                  

Good evening. Tonight's piece, "Calvin Carson's Cavalcade of Cars, Cards, and Cardigans," has fortunately been misplaced on account of gratuitous sex, violence, and pedantry. In its place, we dispassionately offer a mostly flaccid, partly turgid bit of tale titled, "That Wasn't Even Sexy," already unpackaged, reheated, and ready for you to do with as you please.

(NOTE: the safeword is, "mucklucks.")

And now, the bit:

A phone rang, and someone accidentally answered when they actually meant to ignore the call. "Hello."

"Hello."

"Hello."

"Hello."

"Hi."

"Oh, good. You're not a complete idiot."

"Surprises await us both, I suppose."

"Truer words have been spoken. May I speak with Throbbing Fistwood, please?"

"No."

"No?"

"Did I say, 'No?'"

"Yes."

"Oh. Because I meant to say, "'Yes.'"

"So, I may speak with Throbbing Fistwood, then?"

"Perhaps."

"I'm sorry. I must have bludgeoned myself to death on my faux hardwood floor, because I appear to be in Hell."

"Would you like to call back another time?"

"May I speak with Throbbing Fistwood then?"

"No."

"Then, for God's sake, why would I call back later?"

"I was wondering that myself."

"I swear, this is the number the young lady gave me when I inquired with her about Throbbing Fistwood. Are you sure this isn't Throbbing Fistwood?"

"Fairly certain."

"I'm sorry if I've wasted your time."

"It doesn't have to be a total waste, does it?"

"How so?"

"I mean, you'll have to give me a moment, but I may be able to help."

"You can help locate Throbbing Fistwood?"

"Well. At my age, you never can be too sure without a bit of 'assistance,' if you will."

"No. No, thank you. I'm afraid I'm a bit tight on time at the moment. Perhaps I'll try calling back later."

"Wonderful."

"Who should I ask for?"

"Dick Squat-thrust."

"Got it, Dick. May I call you 'Dick?'"

"I do certainly hope so."

"Thank you."

"Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

The phone went click, and never rang again.

A Complete Waste of TimeWhere stories live. Discover now