The Twenty Year Itch

Part 10: The Broken

"Are you fucking kidding me?! My arm is broken and you're talking about FUCKING RUGBY!" John wails and Ashley sighs heavily.

"Well let's get him up. Suppose I gotta take him to the ER and call his wife....not that I want to explain to Lynn how her husband got a broken arm cleaning Tom's house." They help him up and to the car. Carrying Dexter out, I buckle him up and watch Ashley drive off. Going back inside, I find Tom sitting on his study floor- picking up broken records and broken spine books. Kneeling next to him, I grab his hand as it reaches for a piece of record.

I can visibly see him beating himself up inside.

Tom wouldn't hurt a fly.

Let alone his brother.

"He'll be alright." I say and the corners of his lips twitch and he sniffs back tears.

"My mum's gonna kill me." He says like a child and I can't help but laugh slightly.

"If Lynn doesn't do it first." Joking, I squeeze his hand in mine and smile softly, but Ashley's words still spin around in my head. "What did he say that made you so angry?"

"Nothing..."

"Well, I highly doubt that." 

"I feel like shit."

"He'll forgive you. He's your brother." He adjusts himself so he's sitting with his back against his wall and his leg are extended in front of him. Holding his hand still, I think about what I should do.

I don't want to hurt Tom.

But I know I can't go on in life without him.

And what about Leo?

"What was it you were going to say...before they walked in?" I bravely ask and look up from his hand. He doesn't say anything and I fear it's too late.

He's been scared off.

"It doesn't matter." Standing up, he walks out of the room and turns right. Following him, I find him taking off his dusty shirt and tossing it into a pile of clothes. Walking in, I hesitate, before putting my hand on his upper back. His skin is warm and tan like a sun kissed sandy beach. Wrapping my arms around him, I press my right cheek in the dipped in space between his shoulder blades and I close my eyes as he placed his arms on top of mine- that rest just above his navel.

"I don't want to hurt you...any more..." I quietly say against his back, my eyes already going against my wishes of tearing up. "I never meant too..."

He doesn't say anything as we stand there pressed together. I think I feel brave enough to be vulnerable because he can't see how weak I am.

"I've taken you for granted...and that's not fair...because you are the best gift God has given this world...has given me." My nose begins to get stuffing and I feel his breathing shallow. "And I don't...."

I slowly break apart against him and feel faint.

"And I don't want to hold you back...from being happy...because I know I'm too weak...to let you go..." The heavy weight that has always lingered in my chest grows heavier and pulls me down. "I'm so sorry...Tom.... I'm so sorry that I didn't realize how heavy...of...of a weight I've been...and how...how all I do...is pull you under...."

My hot tears break in tiny bombs on my cheeks and I simply feel disgusting.

As much as it pains me to do, I kiss his spine shakily and let go of him. His grasp on my falls away as if the weight of me has been released and I walk out of his room- trying so hard to hide the fact that I can't breathe and am choking on tears.