About

Hulloooooo! Nice to see you. I'm finally updating my about me section! Or I would be if I knew what to write here...

I love reading and writing! I also really like talking to all my fellow writers. If you'd like me to look over your story, go ahead and let me know and I'll give you a critique. NOT a mean one. I always try to be positive and kind, but also honest.

Thank you to everyone who reads my stories, it seriously means a lot to me. Please leave me comments and let me know what you think of them!

 : )
  • Joined:
    3 years ago

Reading Lists


2 Published Works

Featured work.

Imalroc

Social data: 475 reads. 46 votes. 12 comments.

Description: In the brutal world of battleboxing, Imalroc sacrificed years to become an unbeatable champion. But his will to fight vanishes when he learns that he will never earn his freedom from the deadly sport, and he begins his own private rebellion against...

#259 in Fantasy

Other Works by smaoineamh.
Beginnings

Beginnings

147K 4.5K 635

Brendan Connolly seems to have a great life...except he's lost interest in it completely. Bored and lone...

Completed
smaoineamh commented on Imalroc - Chapter One: Sold


smaoineamh
Hellooooo again! I'm so glad you're reading this one...I'm excited about its potential! I have A TON of fantasy stories kicking around my brain, just waiting for me to fill in enough of the plot holes. I love Tenebria way too much, but I feel like I'm not skilled enough to write it the way I want to yet. But I will get to it! Hopefully!!


smaoineamh
Good continuation of the story! I think you did a really, really great job of making Kaya seem more grown up and sounding just a little bit different from when we were first introduced to her. She has a strong voice, but I think you have to pay closer attention to staying with it. Sometimes the phrasing doesn't sound like something a sixteen year old would say. For example, when she's says "No one knew him, but I"...I found it jarring. It doesn't sound like its coming out of the mouth of a teenage girl. 

There were a few instances in this chapter that distracted me from being fully absorbed in the story. To me, the cousins sending her coal for Christmas just makes them come across as too evil to be real people. I also was confused by the line "Luke wasn't depressed, he was lonely and suicidal." Lonely and suicidal sounds like offshoots of depression to me, and I didn't understand Kaya's need to make a distinction. I was also thrown off by her explanation for not owning a car. Isn't it just as easy for her to run off in a borrowed car as it is for her to run off in a car she owns? And if her parents are so deeply worried about her running off, it seems unlikely that'd they would send her to live somewhere else with relatives she hardly knows.


smaoineamh
One of the biggest flags that came up a few times in this chapter is the struggle to stay fully in first person. Each POV type brings with it certain positives and negatives. First person POV brings a huge positive in the sense that the reader often feels much closer to the main character more quickly. But it presents a challenge when you're trying to convey information about other characters or outside events to the reader. This can get really tricky. For example, when Kaya says "Mom and Dad fought a lot nowadays, but they never considered divorcing", you are bending the rules of first person POV. You can say "Mom and Dad fought a lot" because that's something that Kaya can see. But you shouldn't say "they never considered divorcing", because there's no way for Kaya to ever truly know if her parents ever considered divorce. Only a third person outside narrator could say something like that, but that's switching into third person POV. To me, this is definitely the hardest, hardest part about writing first person. I think you've done very well with staying mostly in Kaya's POV, but it's going to take a lot of close reading to make sure that you're never putting information out there that she can't really have known. 

Overall, I'd say this is a strong first chapter! I thought the pacing was well-balanced, you show us a lot about Kaya through her memories and perspective, and she's a very likeable main character.


smaoineamh
Interesting start! I think you've laid a lot of awesome foundations for a good plot and characters. I liked Kaya, and I think you did a good job balancing descriptions of how she is feeling with descriptions of what is going on around her. She feels appropriately disconnected from what's going on in the wake of her cousin's death, and I think that made her seem very real to me. I also liked the way you showed us the bond between the two. The way that Kaya is written was for me the strongest part of the chapter. One thing I would pay more attention to is some of the supporting characters. Where Kaya felt real and multidimensional, other characters, namely her uncle and her cousin who spit at her, seemed a little too evil. They came across as very one-dimensional bad guys to me. 

In terms of the writing, it's pretty solid. Writing in first person seems to work really well for this story, and I think it allows the reader to get very close to Kaya very quickly, which is what you want to happen. However, the first paragraph threw me off quite a bit for two reasons. First off, I was perplexed by the use of "nine o'clock and two minutes". Did you mean to say 9:02? I would probably put something like "two minutes past nine" instead, to make it flow a bit better. The disconnect between the first paragraph and the second one was jarring to me. I didn't immediately realize that the first paragraph was a flashback, and had to go back and reread a few times to make sure I understood what was happening. One other note on the writing: when editing, I'd recommend going back and reading your writing out loud to see if it sounds natural. There are a few phrases and descriptions that just didn't sound exactly right, for example, at one point you wrote "my eyes fluttered tiredly." Eyes themselves don't flutter. Eyelids flutter. The imagery there is close to what you want to convey, but it's not quite right. Overall, though, I think you have a good start and a great main character!