Welcome to my poorly-assembled profile. I try to write stuff that you shouldn't feel embarrassed to read (because something tells me you don't want your friends to know about your fictional fetish with rich CEOs). Here's some stuff about me!

Alias: I'll let you know when the cops stop sniffing around.

Location: Like a dumpster . . . somewhere . . . searching for old sofas to resell at yard sales. Good income, you know?

Age: Too old for what I'm worth.

Sex: Is how people die. No, really. Anyone who has had sex and died is now . . . dead.

Hobbies: Writing. Dancing. Pondering over life's big questions. Like why there is not an "amn't" and only an "aren't" because it's not right to say "are I not" it's "am I not" duhh.

Extent of my intelligence: I can pretend to be all smarty-pants with regard to fancy words (pinkies out, man) and telling people what they want to hear . . . but let's face it once socially inept always socially inept and once a redneck always inbred. Let's hear it for cheesecake!

OK so I didn't really tell you anything about me. And you know what that means? I'm a mystery. So by not telling you anything you can assume that I purposely exposed that trait of mine for your personal benefit of KNOWLEDGE. Either that or you can conclude that I'm completely nuts and I should never be allowed access a dating website.

Except for Farmer's Only. Maybe.

And now for a story!

once upon a time
in a world stuffed with cheap rhymes
there lived to be a great queen
she resembled a baked bean
that is all.
  • Location:
    2nd star to the 1st and straight on till sober
  • Joined:
    3 years ago

Reading Lists

4 Published Works

Featured work.


Social data: 145 reads. 4 votes. 8 comments.

Description: You love princesses. I love princesses. But do you ever wonder if they love each other? One prince on a mission. One missing damsel who may not exactly be in distress. And five neurotic not-quite princesses that just might drive everyone insane. On...

Other Works by balooba.


6.4K 349 139

I get it. You're sad with your daily life so you've come onto Wattpad hoping to find your fairytale endi...

The Adventures of Rat Man and Spider Dude

The Adventures of Rat Man and Spider Dude

243 7 7

What happens when a superhero of the BC era teams up with an ambitious super-boy who's missing a few Mar...

How to Shop for Eggs

How to Shop for Eggs

154 11 12

@Hope-Adon Ms. Author Lady. . . .

If you put in "tons of romance" and taint the greatness this story could be . . . I will SLAP you through the internet until you promise to keep the Great Fantasy :D Though to have such a say in how this thing turns out, I'm honored (because I know you're not a liar and would never send empty threats that could ruin your entire genuine fanbase and change it into thousands of mindless, girly teens who just want to see people kissing for five-hundred pages. . .).

Yeaaaaah I'm probably going to do the American thing and call her Kay-ree like the inbred redneck I am. Funny how this is like the only language that really has a lot of long 'A's like that. But I promise I'll try!!

And while I'm at it I should also mention that my love of fantasy is not only rekindled, but Conduit was actually my gateway book to liking fantasy. I don't read a whole lot like I used to (getting dragged on that anime bandwagon as of the late), but fantasy is one of my favorite genres of all time. Because of Conduit. The reason why I would ever read anything fantasy is solely because I took a chance and read the book with the girl's half-face and a pretty, digitally-altered eye for free on Wattpad. Thanks for that chance. I still hold onto the hope of seeing it published, and reading it again and again after I buy it (and then letting you know if all those rewritings payed off, or if the old version is more favorable due to a different feel. Gotta wonder about that ;)) Conduit to me is like dark chocolate to a candy virgin. So many inner-awakenings, feeling alive and seeing food/books in a different way entirely. . . That's something I think only youth can accomplish, and I'm also super grateful that I read Conduit while I was still young (like what, 14?).

OK. Think that's deep enough. Heeee..

Ah, good gracious great grammar, how I missed you! I'll never leave you again, I promise!!

Well. . .

Until the next update, that is.

See you then!

And I like the cover. How it goes all RIPples. Reminds me of the feeling I'd get if I ever split my pants.

And I'm sorry but that's all I can think of when someone says ripples xD oh gosh I prolly just ruined your title.

But. You know. I'm still going to post this.

Because I'm feeling a little devilish right now.

Ripples. The echoing sounds one's pants make when they SPLIT. Stitch by snapping stitch.

No more flashy stretches to impress someone. Now we all know you can do the splits. Just your pants can't. Ha.

Blahblahand thenotherstuff I need to go to bed got school tomorrow and edumacation is imPOtant.

Any who this is just the kyaaa kind of awesomeness. It'd only be better if I could... pronounce her... name.

It'll come to me in the morning.


And SPEAKING OF THE CULLING. I sry but if I had kid and kid was boy ... NO WAY IN HELL FROZEN OVER I give boy to thos male species I raise my child til he become big woman with deep voice. No one will ever know. Cuz I'll dress him up. Flowery skirts can hide a lot you know?

Seriously though I'm surprised no one had trouble with that in the past. Or maybe they did? Anyway I doubt it'd focus on that cause this story will be more kick butt than that and all action and not I Love my baby let me keep him wahh!! Tho my sensitive side would eat that up, I'm sure.

I mean. I have no sensitive side. I am tough as nails and I eat 50 shades of push pins in the morning GRAH fear me and my mood swings!!!! Rahh!!

Wonder what her curse is. She so hawt no one can love her? Yeah yeah pity the gorgeous girl that's totally a new idea BOOOO I want to see BLOOD where is POpCorn?? Hope it's a cool curse. Maybe one like mine, where I can repel people with a snap of fingers!!  Not sure how it developed but you BETCHA I perfected it!! BEGONE, PERVERTS!! See, useful, isn't it? :D

OK I have no idea what I'm doing now. Forgot what I just read. And wrote. But one thing is foe sure.

And. It's.
The fact that.

You restored my love of books! And the fantasy genre! A love of story-telling, legends, and learning that men aren't so evil after all (lol now let's not get crazy here)! My love of Conduit, rekindled! I'm so excited, a d I will be back when it is daylight! And you post more! Please, or I will go all lightning-style on your villains and leave you antagonist-less!!! Muhuhahaha fufufufu Michigan's!!!!!!!

Ah. Spell check. We meet again.

Duck you.


KYAAAAAA I am DRUNK  on sleeplessness and can't remember half th  things I wanted to say already, but Who cares because this  is is this &@#/$!!!!!!!!!!

First thing. Conduit. CONDUIT  HOW I have missed you!! Your setting, your excitement, your horrible  perspective and views on Men, the foreign species that no female can understand. I will admit it, I FORGOT about this. About Conduit. The SHAME. But hey, it's been two years. Wait. Three. Wait. !! I just missed my 3-year watty anniversary. Yay!mini celebration.. BACK to this. What is ripples? So damn excited!

Second thing. Uh. I forgot. Told you lol. Oh how I've missed your writing. I'm so saddened by the world, seeing all these endless mistakes that seem to be more frequent as technology continues to advance and this lil bug called spell check that doesn't even fricking work half the tone. Ha. Joke.

But seriously. I missed you. Forget crossroads I FORGIVE YOU THIS IS BETTER. BETTER. B. E. T. T. E. R. By far. Oh, how much I've changed in three years. I think I am freaked out by guys more now than ever xD This isn't going to affect me positively, I can tell.

We're was I? Don't remember. Can't recall. Is so late u know? Painful not to be able to recognize my own grammar mess up thingies. Oh year I was planting on complementing you.

Shoot. Complimenting. Lol sorry that's one mistake I will never leave uncorrected :P Anyway, I missed you and your perfect engwish so much I get emotiknLbthinking about it. Where you been, lady???

And. Though I have forgotten much about Amisra (so sad) and her adventures (gimme a break it was like half my life ago--cause I'm eternally young and ageless jk I'm like a minor still but don't tell Frank that he thinks I'm totally legal and a proper woman wait where was I--and I didn't even get a chance to read it a second time), uhh forgot my original sentence hah. Oh yeah, despite that I'm looking forward to seeing how this girl's personAlity will develop through ur awe- dangit outta room