I posted the first two parts of a new short story. It's a historical fiction/fantasy, set in Ancient Greece, called "Eyes in the Night." More is on the way ^u^ Here's the summary: "A young Spartan girl, married off and taken to a foreign city, must survive the oncoming destruction of her new home." Follow this link, or click on my short story collection "Ride the Wind" and find it in the table of contents! http://www.wattpad.com/72815638
My pen name is Cynthia Wildeson, but you can call me Ferret. I DO CRITIQUES PM me and we can work something out, or take a look at these threads here: My guide to dialogue: http://www.wattpad.com/forums/vanilla/discussion/745217/ My discussion on female characters: http://www.wattpad.com/forums/vanilla/discussion/834416/ @-1812-'s guide to story structure: http://www.wattpad.com/forums/discussion/849991/ @-1812-'s guide to psychopaths: http://www.wattpad.com/forums/vanilla/discussion/890926 @-1812-'s and my guide to photomanips: http://www.wattpad.com/forums/discussion/886779 If you ask really nicely, I might make you a cover. But odds are I'll ignore your PM. Recent graphics: http://imgur.com/a/HGV7B
Location:Noming pretty things.
Joined:3 years ago
Description: A collection of short stories, novelettes, and prose poems, including: "Of Glass and Roses," "The Manor by the Bay," "The Gardens of Hadrax," "The Hunt," "There is a Curse upon This House," "Serpents in a Red Sky," "Queen of Ghosts," "Child of the...
Other Works by Ferretlp.
Lordess of the Depths
Centuries after the nuclear Cleansing, half of the world lives in static order, deep in the lawful North...
RIDE THE WIND A Collection of Short Stories http://www.wattpad.com/story/3467040 Check out my more recent additions: -Queen of Ghosts http://www.wattpad.com/42483028 Invenia, an acolyte of the goddess Diana, goes through her initiaition rites. -Serpents in a Red Sky http://www.wattpad.com/37794446 A blind ambassador is sent by his king to negotiate with the mysterious rulers of the Red City. -Child of the Fallen City http://www.wattpad.com/47495312 As the Trojan war reaches its peak, the Gods of Greece are thrown into civil war; however, it is not They who fight, but Their supplicants: human representatives granted immortality in return for serving their patron deity. In the midst of this chaos, Ganymede—once the prince of Troy, now servant to Jupiter—struggles to save his beloved homeland from what appears to be inevitable destruction.
I don't like the POV switch. It's doubly odd because not only did you switch POV in a first person novel, but you also switched the narration from first person to third. I think it would be better if you just wrote the story entirely in third person limited. I have to say, I really liked the first part, because I found the MC really interesting, but you lost my attention with Letyf. Your introduction to the conflict feels rushed in my opinion, and I feel it would be better if you developed the idea of the Roksha first. I also think too many things happened in his part. He's shooting his bow, he's talking to Lerovan, then to Ilyana, and already he's riding out to save the day. You're trying to develop too many things at one time—it feels more like an introduction than a chapter if that makes any sense. Even though this is chapter one, and the content of this chapter introduces us to the story, the main point of the chapter shouldn't be an introduction, it should just be a part of the story that happens to introduce us to everything (I'm sorry if that doesn't make any sense...)
So good things! The story and magic system seem interesting. Your description is great, if a little too thick for my tastes, and your dialogue flows realistically (which is usually really hard to manage.) The interaction with the MC and her master was confusing at first. I missed when she called him “master” (xD) the first time around, and the dialogue (esp. when he calls her “you, girl, demon”) sounds more like they don't know each other, so I first assumed they were strangers until I read more closely. Now that I know he's her master, the dialogue seems a bit out of place, so I would suggest changing it up so it's clear they're familiar with each other while keeping the same hostility. I like this MC. I find it intriguing that you've decided to make her a slave/servant of sorts and I would love to see how you explore this.