@pheonix-on-fire Much much better.
I would just watch the voice. Would your heroine really be thinking "my industriously starched white shirt and meticioulsy clean attire is a testament to my penchant for cleanleness"? If not, don't put it into the narrative.
There's a lot of backstory here. It's fine to hint at the backstory, but we really don't want to hear it all now. It slows the action. Right now, the reader is invested in the heroine getting fired and being broke. Then we are suddenly into a lot of stuff about childhood bullying, and her mother's employment pattern.
The stuff about the red-nosed dog is a bit heavy handed. See if ytou can touch more lightly on the Santa allusion.
What's "ala Gerard Butler"?
You can't "shoot back" under your breath.
She can't know what the strangers looking at her are thinking or remembering. Keep the focus on her and what she's thinking.
But much better.
Hello. I saw a lot of your posts, and you seem like you know a lot about the art of writing. I was wondering if you could give me feedback on my story Dreamsnatcher. If you want, you can ignore this post, but I will be eternally grateful.
I was really wondering if u could perhaps find the time to read the latest chapter of my novel a Christmas wish, I need to know if u think I have improved at all, I tried taking ur advice and have also worked a lot on refining my own brand of kooky quirky storytelling, with a good dose of humor when u least expect it. I know it's a lot to ask but I would appreciate it a lot especially since I am finally at the home stretch and I need advice.... P. S u might have to fan for just a minute cuz the chapter I mentioned is kinda explicit and as per wattpad guidelines I had to make it a private chapter because I don't want an r rating for my novel, I know it's an inconvenience but you can definitely De fan immediately after reading it, hope u don't find that too cheeky but it isn't my fault and I am not trying to trick u into fanning either, I just need to know what you think, thankyou:-)
@Rysalix Thanks. Next milestone 50k, which is our halfway point.
Congrats on writing 30,000 words of "Autumn"! With your insane deadlines, I know you still have a long way to go, but it's always nice to know that you've reached another checkpoint :)
@Davrielle The more you can get, the better. If possible, a mix of ages and genders is good.
Remember, the beta readers only job is to tell you the stuff that didn't work for them. They don't have to fix it, just tell you what bored or confused them.
@SallySlater Well, that's okay. I'm glad to toot your horn, so to speak.
And, of course, we were both right about what's important -
Ctyo is a Wattpad treasure!
@Ctyolene Yes I did! I'm over the moon about it. Although I've got months and months of editing ahead of me before my manuscript is anywhere near to being shop-able.
@HardeeBurger I am proved wrong!
@Ctyolene Yay! I can't wait for it :) Also another question, What do you recommend for beta-readers? I have one right now, but she's kind of like a critique partner and a beta reader. I would like to have more. Is five a reasonable amount?
Ah. There. See?
Ctyo DIDN'T know.
Now, come back here and let her gush praise on you.