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If you request a critique from me, you are accepting that:

I am a harsh critic. 

Your novel may be featured in my novel, KNOCKOUT REVIEWS (though this does not mean your name will be mentioned).

I critique only the first page, unless I love it. 

I require a follow as payment.

You must PM me. I will accept no requests on my message board. And if you PM me, you must include the title of what you want me to critique, otherwise your request will be denied.

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KNOCKOUT REVIEWS: Waiting List

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Please keep in mind: I leave very long, detailed reviews. Each review can and will take a certain amount of time. Your critique will be completed in the order you see above.

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My works:

Falling for Insanity (Private)

KNOCKOUT REVIEWS 

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National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) 2012: Success

National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) 2013: Not-so-successful

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Want to know what novels I'm reading? Do you need some advice on writing? Or do you just want to check out some snarky book reviews? See it all here: 

carsonfaircloth.wordpress.com

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  • Location:
    USA
  • Joined:
    2 years ago


2 Published Works

Featured work.

Writer's Paradise

Social data: 137 reads. 13 votes. 2 comments.

Description:


Other Works by CarsonFaircloth.
KNOCKOUT REVIEWS

KNOCKOUT REVIEWS

3.1K 146 84

Welcome to the Best and Worst of Wattpad, where you can see what works... And what really, really doesn...

CarsonFaircloth commented on A Shattered Mind - Chapter One


CarsonFaircloth
I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the hook. You don't see a lot of that on Wattpad.

I would cut the "but" in your second sentence and lead that paragraph with "sometimes".

Write out "ninety-six".

Your second sentence is a little long-winded. Try cutting it down. Like so:

"Sometimes the feeling drags, leaving me comatose for the entire ninety-six hours between Monday and Friday."

The sentence that begins with "even though" is somewhat confusing. I would rearrange some awkward phrases in there. It might be an issue with punctuation.

You have a lot of short, punchy sentences, which isn't a bad thing at all. I actually enjoy that style of writing. In this case, however, you have quite a few paragraphs that are only one sentence long, which makes for awkward reading. Try combining a few paragraphs to create a more natural length.

I'm not quite sure where the starting point in your story is at this point. There seems to be a lot of rambling going on, with no real setting for your first page. I would put some focus on how you want your story to begin in order to give the reader a clear sense of what they're getting into.

Overall:

3.7/5
CarsonFaircloth commented on KNOCKOUT REVIEWS - TIPS AND TRICKS #1


CarsonFaircloth
Help is on the way!

If I'm being honest, your hook isn't actually bad. However, as I mentioned in a response to StalkerMufasa below, the quality of this hook hinges on the quality of the following paragraph. If you can connect this hook to the rest of your writing in a way that's original and even a little twisted, then it's an A+.

However, hooks should also stand well on their own. I would say this one could do just that, simply because it's different enough to catch my attention. But, again, the key to a hook like this is what follows it.
CarsonFaircloth commented on KNOCKOUT REVIEWS - TIPS AND TRICKS #1


CarsonFaircloth
(Don't worry. Most writers are guilty of at least one of these offenses. I'm guilty of them all!)

As far as your hook goes, it works - depending on what your following paragraph is. That, however, is an issue I address in a different section, in which I discuss the quality of writing following a hook. As a stand-alone hook, what you have works. It's intriguing enough to make me want to read on, and it's original.
CarsonFaircloth commented on KNOCKOUT REVIEWS - TIPS AND TRICKS #1


CarsonFaircloth
The first thing you should be aware of is the length of a hook. Right now, your hook would be:

"Striking pain seared through her shaking form as the whip stroked down swiftly onto the skin of her scarred back."

It's your first sentence, but more importantly, your second sentence doesn't rely enough upon your first to tie the two together in a single hook. For now, I'll be working on your hook, which is the sentence I typed above.

As it is, your hook has a case of the Flower. I like to call it the "Flower" because of the writing, which is formal and "flowery". This type of writing often comes across as stiff. 

"Striking pain seared through her shaking form..."

This is a lot to take in, and the sentence isn't even done. There's striking pain, and it's searing, and her form is shaking. "Striking" is somewhat redundant, as pain is usually striking, and for a first sentence, you don't need so many details.

"...as the whip stroked down swiftly..."

If it's stroking down, the "swiftly" is self-explanatory.

"...onto the skin of her scarred back."

Her scarred back will, of course, have skin. Again, self-explanatory.

With that being said, if you take out the redundant bits, you have:

"Pain seared through her shaking form as the whip stroked down onto her scarred back."

However, the writing would still be stiff. It doesn't read naturally. You have tension here - a girl being whipped is a tense scene - and the beginnings of intrigue - why is the girl being whipped? - but the writing is so tight and rigid that it's hard for the reader to focus on the story rather than what they're reading. Instead of painting a picture in my mind, I'm taking in the words on the page.

One easy to the Flower is to use shorter sentences:

"The whip stroked down, breaking through the skin of her back. Pain seared down her spine."

Play around with the wording and the sentence structure, and you might find just the right hook.