Nala Nyx (On Hold)

5 Part Story 414 Reads 45 Votes
miss_owl By miss_owl Updated 2 years ago
Velia Asher was born in America  in the year of 2201. She grew up to be your average teenager, with a best friend, a crush, and parents who loved her. And just like most of the world, she hated the government. But when Velia and her friend, Linc, join a protest for more rights, Velia gets taken, never to be seen again. Years later, Nala Nyx shows up. She has no memory of her childhood, and no family. She works for the president killing everyone he thinks is in his way. Everything changes when she meets Linc. She starts getting horrible headaches, strange dreams and, for once in her life, questions who she is. What will happen when Nala starts to do a little research, all under the presidents-very-watchful eye?
yiddishpablo yiddishpablo 2 years ago
I really like that the old man could taste the poison. I'm so used to the whole "tasteless poison thing." 

Well written, the dialogue is strong. I think the description you use for the poison is good, but not overwhelming. Nice start!
MsTrouble MsTrouble 2 years ago
The contrast between the POV's is very nicely done and I think you have an interesting plot. I think a little more description into the poison would help but so far so good :) voted!
QueenVictoriia QueenVictoriia 2 years ago
Good prologue! I like it. Short and straight to the point :)
fr3e2dre4m fr3e2dre4m 2 years ago
Wow, this is really great, but now I'm just a bit freaked...
gabbyalex gabbyalex 2 years ago
Wow this was so good, man!  This story sounds so cut-throat, lol.  I love that the poison was something that no one Knw existed.  Great start.  You should build a cast. I'm already seeing a lot of great actors in my mind!  Keep it up.
DuhILoveYou DuhILoveYou 2 years ago
This is a good hook; you will definitely reel in some fans with this prologue. It's clear and straight to the point. I like the length and the flow. You get a slight look into the protagonist and the cruel ways of what seems to be a ruthless president. Nice work! (: