Angels and Wormholes

A star-faring religious cult has created an army of robotic zealots designed to follow holy scripture. As the robotic menace spreads across the galaxy, it takes prisoners to be 'excommunicated': hooked into a neural simulation of eternal torment. Captain Rolland Barron leads the Sol Federation Starship Excalibur on a diplomatic mission. Cassia LaCroix is a wormhole hunter, earning a living scouring the galaxy for valuable tunnels through space-time. Prince Zoojin, a psychic alien from a distant galaxy, must prove himself worthy of the throne of Paxis Prime. The paths of these characters converge as they pursue their own motives, leading them towards the mechanical legion that is sweeping across the galaxy. Note: this is a draft. Comments are very much appreciated.
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i love this chapter! this is exactly the type of books i like best.and the way you made that sudden total change of mood kept me riveted
When Levy warns of danger, Rolland has an internal dialog.  Separate the dialog into two different paragraphs; else, you are merging personalities.
you don't need internal thought italics.  the following sentence is not italic, but it is his internal thought correct?
there are a lot of people in the room.  I could assume it was Barron, but you have not established a direct dialog between them yet.
again, use a period.  dashes should be used for emphasis, a statement that highlights the previous sentence.  here you introduced a new idea.
It is blunt but it is hard to change the symbolism and keep the religion christianity

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Name David Shultz
Location Toronto, ON
Member Since Mar 30, 2014
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