i think this needs more description. it sounds more narrative to me.
but over all you have something going on here. XD
Well, this is very good, but has grammar mistakes.
You must wanna go back and correct your mitakes. Always used Punctuation at the first sentence or a name :D
Good start. Only a need of tiny improvement! but otherwise its good! Just elaborate about the characters a little more :)
Honestly speaking, I can't really critique on anything because PaulGabriel2 said everything I wanted to say so.. Yeah! ANyways, voted
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