Very Detailed Chapter 1 Critiquing -- One EVERY (week)DAY

Hey Everyone, We've noticed that this thread is getting a bit too full. So we made a new forum: http://www.wattpad.com/forums/discussion/305009/Chapter+1+Critiquing%3A+One+every+day

If you'd like to post your book, please do it there. Our critiquing is NOT closed, you can still post your books; but we ask you to post them there, please.

Thank you for your cooperation.

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@sweditor

Harper's just moved to an exclusive boarding school in the middle of the semester. If this wasn't enough to label her as a social outcast, her clothes, accent and personality make her stick out from the start. Struggling to find friends in her new school, Harper joins a group of students who are all very different. But they have one thing in common, Fashion.

http://www.wattpad.com/story/1697041-the-misfit-designers-of-crow-creek

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this sounds great! here's the link to my story - http://www.wattpad.com/story/1695224-coinholder-part-1 i'd really like the google doc too :D thanks x

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@sweditor Awesome - thanks for doing this. I'm fine with the review that doesn't involve the google doc (I am paranoid about copyright issues). Thanks again!

Book: Majestic Shadows: The Pillar of Smoke http://www.wattpad.com/story/785094-majestic-shadows-the-pillar-of-smoke

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http://www.wattpad.com/story/1540425-the-last-hunt

Hunting meant everything to Ruin. It wasn't just his job; it was a way of life. Training his entire life to catch criminals. Slowly building a reputation as one of the best Bounty Hunters in the world, and finally joining the two best hunters in the world. Everything was perfect... Perfect things never last. Some despised the hunters, but one hated them above all. As his plan begins to unfold. Hunters become the hunted. Can Ruin and his friends save themselves and many others? Or will this be the last hunt?

Thanks! I hope you enjoy!

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@Ezmeralde Ok Here's your condensed review:

Overall Score: A-

Highlights: Understandability, Realism

The chapter felt like it was actually happening, and it was not too complicated or simple.

Lowlights: Characters, Addictivity

You never described what the main character or her dad looks like. Also, the chapter is a little bit slow.

Suggestions on the lowlights: You can easily describe how the cahracters look at the beginning of the story. The slow chapter is harder to fix, but I think that if you improved the hook and the cliff hanger and made them more exciting, it would be sufficient.

Thanks for posting the book! if you want to see the whole thing, fan and message me.

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Dean Williams is used to getting every girl all the time, any time. He is popular, a bad boy, a player and the most droolworthy guy in school; which is exactly the reason Rose Forlorn refuses to fall for him. She is the unwanted, good girl and most invisible person in, well, the universe; her only popular connection being her brother. She makes a friend and together they fix up a plan to play with this bad boy players heart. Unfortunately, Rose has yet to learn that things change, as well as people and realises that maybe the changes Dean deals to her heart are good, but then again... Not everything goes according to plan. Guys aren't the only ones who breaks hearts

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http://www.wattpad.com/5915565-butterfly-wings

Hurting Lea was like plucking the wings from a butterfly. She was so fragile, so unbelievably beautiful that it seemed impossible – and yet he did it.

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@anna_aaron Since today is the first day, I'm gonna do another one. Here it goes:

Overall Score: A

Highlights: Realism, Mental Picture

The story feels as if the reader is going through it - I had tears in my eyes as Cassie was leaving Bo

Lowlights: Tone of Voice, Grammar

There were a few deficiencies in the grammar department, and the tense changed every so often.

Suggestions on lowlights: I would get a very picky editor to hack out the grammar and tense change issues. As far as ideas go, you seem to have it.

Thanks for posting the book! if you want to see the whole thing, fan and message me.

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http://www.wattpad.com/story/1109621-the-rebirth-of-indigo-caeli

The crowd was silent and all staring at the woman as they realized there was no room for rebellion if you wanted to make it out alive. Even though all their faces were expressionless, I could see the hope in their eyes fade with each word the bald woman spoke. I really didn't think much of this, at the time I held the same opinion as most of the country: They know what they did, they did it on purpose, and they deserve to die by the hands of their own. Looking back on it however, it was heartbreaking. Even though all these people have no chance to make anything out of their lives, they still wanted to live. Life was the only thing they had left in the world and they couldn't even keep that. How could we do that to other human beings? Yes they have committed some of the most hated, disgusting acts that have ever been conceived, maybe they have taken the life of someone's child or a lover, maybe they have caused someone to suffer through terrible pain and have gained the hatred of society as a whole, but when we let that hatred get the best of us is when we become the monsters. The Execution was simply an act of rejection of what we can become being exposed by those who have become something we consider to be terrible and beyond our capacities. We simply don't want to accept the reality of what we could be, that is why the Execution continued for as long as it did. I wish that the world had realized this sooner, but the government suppressed these ideas and truths for its own gain. In retrospect, they were the real monsters.

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http://www.wattpad.com/story/1244720-the-gate-guardian-the-secret-of-falmora-series

So im happy for the smaller review and also, please just pick a chapter that you like the sound of! Thank you very much in advance!

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http://www.wattpad.com/story/1650295-try-finding-me thank you for offering such a great service... it's really will help me bucket loads!! @sweditor

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@sweditor

http://www.wattpad.com/story/1768915-holding-on-and-letting-go

She wants to forget... He wants to remember...

She spends her nights drinking and partying, trying to forget who she is. He spent 4 months in a coma and does not remember the last 2 years. She wants to erase her past and start over He would do anything to remember his...

The struggle of two young people, trying to move forward when everything is holding them back. As they learn to understand each other, they also find something they didn't know they needed to let go of their past : love. A story about letting go of the things that hurt you and holding on to everything else.

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http://www.wattpad.com/story/1654246-ashes-of-the-dawn I would be grateful if you took that time to look at this.

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@sweditor Hello! I'd love to have your review on my first chapter on my story Memento Mori. Thank you so much! :) http://www.wattpad.com/story/1622134-memento-mori

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@sweditor This is a short story that I am entering in the Watty's! I would love to know what you think but please don't vote unless you really think I deserve to win. :)

It is not your normal teen cliche romance. It explores the reasons for life and I can promise your heart will break by the end. :)

http://www.wattpad.com/story/1658642-25-hours

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I'm looking for an honest opinion on my story...I think it could be better...please check it out and COMMENT, FAN, VOTE if you like. I'll do the same for yours.

WHAT IF EVERYTHING YOU KNEW WAS A LIE?

http://www.wattpad.com/story/1623201-jezebel

Genre: Fantasy #64 / Watty Awards 2012 #94

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@whikerms Ok, I have your condensed review here:

Highlights: Grammar, Tone of Voice, Flow

The quality of writing in the story is very good.

Lowlights: Mysteriousness, Realism

The story feels very distant, and some of the details given do not match what they should be.

Suggestions for the lowlights: I would get an editor who is also a fellow author or storyteller, to help you get your Ideas on the page in the best light possible. As far as grammar goes, you seem to have it.

If you change your mind about the copyright thing, you can fan and message me and I'll give you a link to the Google Doc.

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http://www.wattpad.com/story/1416570-silent-screams

I'd love a critique! thank you!

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@sweditor

If you have time, thanks :)

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Can you message me the google doc, after you so the review?

http://www.wattpad.com/5058636-straight-in-a-crooked-world

The world as we see it...or maybe it should be the gays as we see them! In a world where the population is prominently gay heterosexuality can cause conflicts. It did for these two! A nobody at Solae High - Jason suddenly finds himself the center of unwanted attention when the people of his world find out his preference! Unbeknownst, pulled to an old friend- Ashlia and her to him...these two find themselves against the world of homosexuals. As if life was easy with Mason bullying Jason to no ends he now had to suffer the scrutiny of his friends and classmates for choosing someone inappropriate? But was it really? Pushed against a wall with no way to escape these two teenagers stand to fight back for the person they love and who love them back just the same...but will they succeed?

@sweditor

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@sweditor

Hi there! ((:

This is your classic boy meets girl story. Vincent is sitting at a coffee shop, reading a book. All of a sudden, Harper walks in, dripping wet from the pouring rain. He offers his handkerchief to her, not knowing that it will be the start of their love story. Vince does all the romantic things, like in the movies. But, as said in the title, he doesn't get the ending he expects. It's got romance, tidbits of comedy, and some drama. I hope you like it. Thank you! ((: This is a story about a guy who found love through hate. What happens when the governor's rebel son falls in love? A lot of things. But you can have the pleasure of finding out for yourself. It's only three pages but I hope you like it. Thank you! ((: Cairo Ocampo was Dune Tomas' first love, first boyfriend, and first kiss. Unfortunately, Cai doesn't remember any of this because it all happened seven years ago in kindergarten. He and his family has since moved abroad. But now he is coming back. Dune still has everything he gave her, especially his break-up note. It's only six pages right now. ((:

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http://www.wattpad.com/5036768-felicity-surprised "Felicity" The path of love is never easy, especially when it's been forced on you by a fairy with a gun. Sabrina Stone Steeples, a spiteful stain upon society must keep romantic mad girl, Elizabeth Maria Tethers happy to avoid execution but that's the least of his problems. With murders, paranormal outbreaks, young crime lords, plotting agents, apocalyptic clubs and super science, can Sabrina change himself for the better as the world around him changes its self for the wilder.

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Well, hi everyone! This is the first time I've actually seen this forum! Tomorrow (Monday) I'm going to do a critique of TheDarkestLight's book, The Last Hunt,. Hope I enjoy it, and I hope that my review will be good to you!

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@TheDarkestLight Very good book! I loved the first chapter, it made me want to read the rest!

Highlights: Characters, Descriptiveness

The characters were extremely well developed, and you were very descriptive.

Lowlights: Tone of Voice, Grammar

A few capitalization mistakes, and an unnecessary person change.

Suggestions on Lowlights: With the grammar thing, just go through and fix it. You shouldn't capitalize it if it's after a quote. Tone of Voice, the whole book should be in either first or third person. If I were you, I would make Zodak's section into first, not change the whole thing to third. And, you should only to be able to hear the thoughts of the person whose perspective you're writing about

Overall, very very very VERY good. If you want the whole critique, just fan and message me and I'll give it to you.

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