Do you think your story is ready for submission to a publisher?

http://www.wattpad.com/story/904383-die-for-me

I long to inflict pain and bring death as much as I love to bring passion and protect life. Unexplained cravings were rooted within me from birth, neither side presenting itself fully until now. I am constantly at war with myself, ripping my mind apart to find my one true identity. My journey is full of emotions from each side of me as I decide which path I set those around me on. Which brave soul will be the one willing to risk dying for my enjoyment in a desperate attempt to gain my love and find my own soul? Enter my life and you pass the point of no return.

I just want to know if i have a decent start or if I should start over please. Publication critiques for what I have so far would be nice. Thank you!

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@Dermit I'd like to see a full synopsis. I did feel there was a bit of a difference between the voice in the prologue and the voice in the first chapter, but the whole thing is so assured that I assumed this was deliberate.

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@puppycakes21 I'm sorry, this one needs a lot more work first.

The blurb has spelling mistakes which, on its own, is enough to get you rejected.

I never get a feeling that you have any idea what is involved at strip clubs or know anything about pole dancing. For a start, a 17 year old would never be allowed on the premises, never mind allowed to strip on stage.

For a pole dancer, she doesn't know anything about pole dancing. Nothing she mentions has to do with dancing. Even if you don't do it yourself, there's no reason not to watch some classes on Youtube.

The writing needs more work. The spelling and grammar are fine, but for a story with a first person pov, there is some head-hopping, where your MC knows what other people are thinking and what she looks like from their pov.

"I start to roar in my hand". What does that mean?

"My mouth falls down in utter stun state."

I don't like the MC's voice. This is one of those things which is hard to explain, but will prevent you getting published. Even though she is doing all the talking, I don't get the feeling that I know, or would like, the heroine. Does she have a sense of humour? A good line in bitch? A good reason for being in a strip club?

You need to make her heroine a real person. I never get the feeling that she is.

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@BreakYourHeart Sorry, this one needs more work.

For a start, no publisher will even consider a story with multiple first person points of view. You cannot sell this. Consider rewriting with third person limited pov.

"I must find one". One what? If he's looking for a soul, then say that. "I must find a soul" has far more impact. Your first line has to entice the reader to keep reading. Your line could be a sex-and-shopping story about the search for the perfect shoes.

Modern publishers do not like semi-colons. If you must use them, make sure you are doing it properly.

An image can't cast a shadow.

A 17 year old boy is not a young child. If he's wearing a hood, those "chiselled features" would not be visible.

No one thinks "I am speculating, I am sneering". If you are in someone's pov, you have to stay in it and not report what an outside observer would see.

You can't hiss "Hello there", there is no s in it.

If Darren is sprinting, you don't need hurriedly, unless you can sprint leisurely.

So he is running away from a lunatic, and is afraid for Sophia, so he runs directly to her, bringing the lunatic to her? TSTL - Too Stupid To Live.

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Title: Transparent

Genre: Romance, Teen Fiction, Fantasy, Humor(Future), Highschool Setting

Summary: This story revolves around Catherine Cassio, a girl who unexpectantly dies due to a car crash, after running off in seeing a misunderstood situation between her boyfriend, Asher, and rival, Khimberly. In the afterlife, she meets a mysterious stranger who introduces herself as Patrice. Patrice tells Catherine she's given another chance at love, at the cost of her life and a new one. Catherine complies; and this, is where her adventure begins. Reborn as Zayne Willows, follow Catherine as she uncovers the mystery and truth behind her death, face the most tremendous of betrayals, and most especially, get back the love of her life.

Click to read!

Will you check mine? ^_^

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Well, I'm not sure this is worthy of publishing, I just want an opinion. Would you still critique? Help is greatly appreciated :) Skip the author's note...it's stupid...

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http://www.wattpad.com/story/1059668-the-assignment

While I don't actually want to publish this story, in point of fact the thought never entered my mind, I would like some criticism on it. If you think it is actually worthy of some publishers time publishing this story then that is wonderful and I'll contemplate it. My story isn't finished yet, I'm still in the middle of writing it. If you could please find the time to read my story and tell me your thoughts I would be ever so grateful to you :).

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http://www.wattpad.com/story/1266235-daddy%27s-little-mutant-watty-awards-2012

Sherrion is Daddy’s little mutant, always has been and always will be. When Daddy dies, what does the little girl do? When left with no one, who does she turn to? In a world riddled with powerful, transformed super humans and corrupted societies full of hate, how does she handle it? As Sherrion will find out very early in her existence, life isn’t all fun and games. Being Daddy’s little mutant isn’t easy, especially when Daddy is in your head.

It's unfinished, but I have the entire thing plotted out, so if you want to know that then just PM me.

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i want to get this poem published in some local newspaper or magazine.So do you think it will work? http://www.wattpad.com/4313721-angel-on-shackles @Ctyolene

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@dreamweaver143 I can't comment on poetry. It's too personal and too specialised a skill. Sorry.

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Haha, yay, some honest critiquing. (The only person who ever does that is my English teacher, and she's scarier than hell). ^^ I'm not going to ask you to go easy on me or anything, but if there's anything positive you'd like to say, thanks anyway. :D The story is supposed to be a trilogy, and I'm planning to submit this after I finish writing and editing, and writing and editing, and writing and editing...

Title: Exodus: The Beginning of the End

http://www.wattpad.com/story/886114-exodus-the-beginning-of-the-end

Synopsis:

"This is not some paranormal fix that you can indulge yourself with. Some lies are made up to cover the truth. This is a warning. You cannot begin to understand the complexities of the variety of creatures that live alongside you. But you best be ready for what is to come."

Leah DeRoux is not a vampire.

She does not drink blood. She is a different breed of monster that feeds on souls -- whatever kind of soul it is, you'd be sure that Leah will indulge herself with it.

She's been around for a long time. She thought that her kind was the only one deceiving humans for as long as they had.

She was very, very wrong.

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@Ctyolene Seriously! to the whole "they want the whole plot including the surprise ending"? Hmmm, I really should have done more research. I've already submitted mine to one publisher (with a slightly more developed synopsis than on Wattpad, but still not great) and I know it's too late but I'm a big fan of your numerous club discussion thingies (Sorry!) so it'd be really interesting to see whether it is actually good enough. I don't think it is. *Sigh* My life is a pretty big fail! But anyway, only 4 chapters here on Wattpad and I submitted 3. I hope you think it's moderately alright.

http://www.wattpad.com/story/1158862-the-dark-side-of-the-rainbow-paranoid-concepts

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@Ctyolene And here is the full synopsis including surprise ending: It is not easy to live with the Stockholms but Anita Black has lived with them for her whole life, along with hundreds of other children as part of an organisation run by Mr Stockholm himself. This organisation swears to protect those special children - those children gifted with supernatural powers - from the people and government who shunned them from society. However, unbeknownst to the government who created it, it is doing the exact opposite, trying to convince the children to rise up against the normal, destroying those who have oppressed them for so long and torturing the few who resist. Apparently this will achieve a great future for everyone and it will change the world for the better. Anita is dubious. She knows the evil of the Stockholms and she decides to lead a rebellion against them. However, the Stockholms aren't willing to let it go without a fight. Marcus Stockholm Is distraught that Anita (whom he thought was his greatest friend, maybe even that she loved him) would betray him like this and he employs the specialist skills of a spell-caster to completely change the layout of the world into different regions suited for different purposes. There is Londinian, The Water Land, The Great Desert, The Fire Region, Warwood Forests, The Land of Lost Hopes and Dreams, and at the edge of the world lies The Prison where all the people without powers are kept until they die.

And it kind of stops there. It's book 1 of 5. Ok, this sounds worse and worse for a publisher the more I write down so I'm just gonna stop and thank you in advance for being honest and taking the time to help. It's appreciated.

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@ChloePxx And you've just proved why the synopsis is essential. As soon as you wrote it, you saw yourself what the problem was, and now I'll confirm it. No publisher is interested in a book which needs four more books to finish the story.

You can certainly have a series which continues over five books, but each book has to stand on its own, with its own complete plot, character develoment, and built to a strong climax. No publisher will touch a book which just stops in the middle of nowhere.

I suggest you rethink your plot and make sure this book is complete before you submit.

Nice writing style, accurate and easy to read. However! I personally hate prologues at all, and I especially hate prologues that begin in the middle of the action.

The action in this one is that Rachel reads a letter. That's it. Rachel is not the main character so you should not begin with her. If you must have a letter, it should be "URGENT, tell X something important about Y or the world will end". This letter is all stuff that Rachel already knows. In other words, it's backstory. Don't start with backstory. Start with your Main Character in trouble.

Get the action going. Don't have your MC sitting round thinking about weather. And avoid cliches like marching her to the mirror to find out what she looks like. Establish your heroine's personality before you get into backstory and world building.

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I have the story finished on my computer and in verious notebooks, but only the first few parts are on wattpad. I'm not so sure about it, and I want to see what other's think.

http://www.wattpad.com/4236147-tea-time-prolouge

Ethel and Eli are twins on the brink of separation. While nearing the age seventeen Eli knows he is to be drafted into the Union Army and fight against his younger sibling, who ran away to join the Confederates. The only way the twins can hope to be together is if they take an invitation to work for the eccentric and strange Dr. Abner Edwards. Seems simple enough, right?

But Dr. Edwards has a secret, one that involves a world that might just live right beneath the ground, a negro who claims to have powers to see the unseen, and an exotic boy who claims to be from the future.

How will the twins survive with an angry mob running after Eli, odd creatures attacking the patients, a civil war of another world effecting their own, or troubles with the time-space continuum? Never mind that, it's time for tea.

- Basically, after that it has quite a lot to do with time travel, mostly to stop certain people from dying. There's also a great deal of magic and paranormal situations in the story, based around the other world. In the end, they do save the other world but in doing so they mess up the space-time continuum, making it so most of them never even met each other.-

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@Steel3legance It's a powerful start, but you need to make the voice that of a young child. Keep sentences short, use simple words and simple sentence structure. How old is the MC in the prologue?

What des "in quiet roar" mean?

"seemingly endless of judgement"?

"his words escapting in the abyss of his mind"?

"a sharp sting in my tail end"? I thought she was a girl. Does she have a tail?

Once you get into chapter one, you are straight into a lot of backstory. Don't do this. Start with the inciting incident and action, not backstory.

Something to bear in mind. Publishers ask for three chapters, but most of the time, they know by the end of the first three paragraphs if they are going to reject. You have to hook them on the first page.

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@Dopeynessence

Don't start with weather. How can darkness loom?

What is "the by passengers"?

You can't have "was currently" It's either past tense or present tense, not both. "a smile presently tucked in her face" doesn't make sense. No, we weren't speaking of presents. You are writing in past tense, so it's "his birthday the following day", not tomorrow.

"almost-realistic" implies fake. That "so far" should be deleted.

"mininmal yet splendid", which is it?

"pretty-faced" doesn't need a hyphen. It's not a good description, give specifics of how she is pretty.

Whose point of view is this story?

You can't widen your eyes and crease your eyebrows at the same time.

What's a quick twenty?

She gets a text from an unknown number telling her to go to a strange address, and she does??? Without ringing Asher to see if he knows anything about it? This girl is too stupid to live.

How can something be "somewhat abandoned"?

Her body went inside? And left her mind outside?

Purred is not a speech tag.

Blonde is a fair haired female, blond is a guy.

The problems with the mixed tenses is enough on its own to get you rejected. The sheer stupidity of the girl would also do it. What on earth is she thinking to go there, without checking with Asher or getting the police? She deserves to die!

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@Dopeynessence By the way, it is absolute certain rejection to send a story and say "The beginning is boring but it gets good later on." If that's true, then start your story where it gets good.

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@iFantastic

Name the girl. Once you've said small once, that's enough. Give a hint of her age. Is she old enough to hold a party, or so young she needs to be read to sleep?

It would be a stronger scene without the scene setting in the middle. Just have the boy leaving to kill a girl with magical powers, that's enough.

She tossed and turned implies multiple times. Freqently or often would be better.

Balled fists. What other type is there?

I don't like the "V" thing. Just call her by name. You do know Turin is a city, and Veranda is a sort of balcony? Okay, the spelling is not identical, but I can't help making the connection.

The stuff about the sisters is cute, but it's not a hook. You cannot afford a flabby start. Once the reader is hooked, you can slow the pace but it's essential that you get the story moving quickly, particularly for YA.

Toast? In a kitchen like that, toast is a luxury.

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@CaptainVonDelgo Very strong start (apart from "Cough" he hacked, which I hate) but the hospital is great. Mind you, if he's not able to breath without a tube, he's not going to the bathroom, he had a catheter. But break it up into different paragraphs to make it easier to read and to increase the tension.

I loved it when it was in the hospital, but then the paddock came as a jolt. Grass on their back as a disguise? You've got be kidding!

But it has possibilities.

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@yelirnight Good strong start, and nice and accurate, though you have a "It tried to run faster" in the third sentence which should be I.

However, running through knee-deep snow in high heels? You've got to be kidding. And she can't lose them, they'll just follow her tracks. All that stuff about using branches to hide her tracks is a joke. You can't hide tracks that deep.

Okay, I liked the start, although I'm not a fan of prologues, but this one worked. But the first chapter was boring. It was all about the history of her family and the rules of her world. Chapter one is not the place for this. Get the action going, dribble in tiny bits of world building, and keep the backstory for much later in the book.

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@Ctyolene Thank you. That's all I really need to say. I really respect you as a part of the Wattpad community and silly amateurs like me really need what you offer: a reality check. I think you just stated what I pretty much knew (although I'd never thought about the letter in that much detail before) but I'm glad you said it. It's kind of harsh but so true. I just needed someone to actually say it to me. I've had enough of my friends telling me "Oh it's amazing" when they don't really know what they're talking about. I'm glad you seemed to like my style of writing? I think that's the bit which is hardest to change but the plot and order and synopsis can be edited pretty easily (it's all relative). So, from this I will probably continue writing in general. I don't know if that's a good thing. Is it worth it or am I just not destined to become a famous multi-millionaire author? (Slight sarcasm intended!) Anyway, thank you thank you thank you again, this is very hepful and yes, I now see why a synopsis - a proper one at that - is vital! Thank you one last time. I really really appreciate you reading it and I hope you don't judge me too harshly!

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@ChloePxx Yes, the style is good, and that's something which is next to impossible to teach. A lot of the other stuff is technical.

Definitely keep writing. You'll get better with practice, and you'll learn more about how to make the story appeal to publishers. I'd suggest you write your first draft directly from your heart, and only when it's all done, then you go back and edit with an eye to publication.

Personally, I've found that writing the synopsis before you write the story is a huge help. You don't have to stick to it, but it gives you a structure so you don't get stuck wondering what happens next. And of course, you have your synopsis done.

And you've a better chance of winning the lottery than becoming a millionaire from writing. The rule of thumb is six books in print before you can quit the day job.

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@Ctyolene

http://www.wattpad.com/3783202-step-1-you-parent-engage-you-without-your-consent?p=1#votes

The story follows the girl by the name of Khanak Singham. She's rich and always gets things the way she has wanted. In short, She's a happy citizen of the Great United States of America. That is until her father engages her to his best friend's son Zayn Malik. Khanak isn't happy and she'll go to any length to break the marriage; inconspicuously that is.

This is a finished work and I am slowly updating it over here on wattpad. An opinion on it would be nice. Thank you.

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@theseasdaughter You won't publish this. Even from reading the blurb, my reaction is "How can anyone make her get married agianst her will?" When I start reading and discover that she is 22 and lives on her own, it becomes even more ridiculous. The whole premis of the story is a joke.

And when I start to read, I meet a heroine that who is, as she says herself, a spoilt brat. Whatever chance you have of convincing your reader that a very dutiful, home-schooled daughter might be guilted into an arranged marriage, there's no way this woman would be.

If you want to do an arranged marriage story, then set it in the past, or on another planet, or some other culture where a girl would marry where she was told. You can't set this in Calilfornia and expect anyone to believe it.

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