A Settlers Love (settlers series book 3)

The Dream

Van Dieman’s Land

1831

Watching dust particles dance in the light, brought a smile to my face. It was the time of day when everything was waking, even the dust. Which, through the night, hung stagnant in the air. Parting my bedroom curtains with one swift motion, had sent them swirling around the room in an excited frenzy. Almost like they had been waiting anxiously for that moment. I never used to notice such things, like how the angles of light streaming through my window made everything it touched appear so pretty. But I did now. These days, not only did I take pleasure in the little things such as this, but these small moments were distractions as well.

They were distractions that kept my mind busy. No matter how hard I tried, though, I always remembered some small part of what brought me to this point.

It was a conversation in which all my dreams were shattered. Dreams of a little girl. Where days were spent sitting under a big tree by a river, romancing an idea of love which ultimately never existed, not for him. My heart broke into a million shards of craftily put together moments of time. Smiles, smells, glimpses, chatter. All for nothing. All just out of my reach of knowing how to fix, and hold together. After all, I was only a girl when he knew me in England. Now that I was a woman, with all the training my mother had given me, and all the practice I’ve had over the years, I was unable to capture the attention of the one person I admired, and loved most in this world, besides my own family. Knowing Nash didn’t love me back as I had desired him to, put me in a place I was unfamiliar, and left me unsure of who I was meant to be.

Something new needed to replace the dreams I once had of Nash, but what? I was still trying to figure that out. For as long as I could remember Nash Martin, the stable boy, held my heart. I knew nothing else, wanted nothing else. How could life play out to be so unfair? That one conversation I overheard will forever be the point that changed me. How I have changed? I am still discovering, because without the dream, without the ultimate goal of having Nash by my side. I was nothing. Well, for a long time after my heart was left to whither inside my aching chest, I was convinced of this. When things started to get a little better, I don’t know. I just know that day by day, they did. The loss of my dream didn't hurt as much now as when he first said the words I never wanted to hear. I’ve learned to live with the heartache, and after the months turned into a year, I found myself in this place, hovering over my life, living day after day, trying to find a small piece of joy in each moment. It has been hard. At one point I thought I would die from being so hurt. Not now, though, not now.

After the initial signs of rejection, which was within months of arriving on Van Dieman’s Land; I was convinced I needed to prove myself to him. I reclaimed my skills for cooking, and domestics, just to show Nash I was ready for his way of life. That I didn’t need to live the one of a lady, not in the way I was raised. Even though my upbringing was privileged, I had Payton, my best friend. She kept me grounded. While growing up, she knew how much I loved her brother, and made sure I gained the knowledge which would help me, if, I were to marry Nash. I wasn't scared of it. To clean up after Nash, cook his meals, and bear his children was my one wish. But with every effort, it just wasn't enough. Neither were the fancy dresses I hauled over from England in a stinky ship. Dresses that flattered my body, dresses that turned every other mans head, but, Nash’s. I couldn’t even capture his heart with my appearance. It was the final blow to my shattering ego.

For all the attention I received as a young lady of class, from men of the world in which I was raised, a stable boys was all I wanted, and he denied me it, time, and time again.