Cigarettes and Turtle Sundays aren't Free

What no cough? I think to myself as I dip the cold needle tip into the cap and draw up water to rinse it with. I wipe the blood from my arm and lie back to wait for the release. I think to myself why did I rinse? Don't I want the paramedics to test it and find that the contents were two of the most contrasting chemicals I could find under the kitchen sink?  Simply inhaling the two when mixed can kill you. Surely injecting the brash liquid directly into my bloodstream ought to do the trick. I lay back and start to write my own obituary in my head. I figure it would read something like this.

 Empathy-Annastasia (Stacey) Duveau:

February 27th 2005

Was found dead today, an apparent suicide. The coroners report showed a high level of toxicity in the blood and methamphetamine in her system. There were traces of bleach, ammonia and illegal drugs in a spoon and syringe next to the body. Investigators believe it was an intentional overdose/poisoning as bleach and ammonia are a lethal combination that can cause chemical formations such as chlorine gas, Nitrogen Trichloride and Hydrazine. It was determined by the medical examiner that Lacey was approximately 26 weeks pregnant. 

Wait, how long have I been lying here now? I don't feel any different. I don't even feel high! Anger invades me as my stomach starts to turn. It is truly one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. That gut wrenching feeling you get when you just can't wait anymore to get that rush. Where's the high? Where's the sickness? Aside from the churning in my stomach from the thought of not having any reaction. I go over the chemistry lesson in my head. It doesn't make any sense to me. I sit up frustrated and alone. I rest my hand on my protruding belly. As I feel the baby kick, the anger subsides and instead it is replaced with guilt. Suddenly I remember moments before the syringe punctured through my warm flesh and penetrated my vein, I did something. Just then I realized, that something was the most profound event in my life. I  had prayed.

I hadn't prayed since I was a little girl. For the longest time I thought God was like Santa and I always believed if you weren't at home on Christmas Eve Santa wouldn't know where to find you and you wouldn't get presents,  Well I figured God didn't know where I was anymore to bother wasting miracles on me.
For the first time in over 10 years I prayed. I looked into the mixture of chemicals seemingly floating in the scratched silver spoon and as I drew back the liquid I had a conversation with God... whoever he was. I told him I was done. I didn't want to be here anymore. I couldn't live with what had happened to me and I surely couldn't bring a child into this world. I couldn't be as cruel as him. I blamed him. It was God's fault I had been locked in that closet, it was God's fault I had been raped and beaten nearly everyday, it was God's fault I was forced drugs and was now addicted. It was God's fault I was pregnant. I asked him to have mercy on me for once. To take me in peace. To alleviate my pain and finally let me be free. I prayed that he would give me the courage to put the cold steel tip of the needle to my arm and asked that he push down the plunger. And unless he had some sort of better plan for me, this was it. I closed my eyes and said, "here ya go God, it's all you. I give up, I'm yours".

Remembering these words made me realize just what I had done... I had surrendered. I had given myself over to a power greater than myself and he wasn't quite done with me yet. And so I lay there still a bit frustrated, as the sun shone down on the table in front of me and reflected off the wet spoon that was to have contained my demise. I laid there and I thought to myself Thank God, because I wasn't really done either.

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Okay readers, up to you now. I need a bit of feedback if I am to continue writing this story. This book is intended to backtrack and be the life of Stacey before she got to this point. Of course there is an ending to follow as well but the intention is that the main story line is to be full of heartache and chaos and impossible challenges that this girl has to face and overcome. Please tell me what you think and how it made you feel. Thank you for your support.