Raised Mateless (On Hold)

Chapter 5

The thought of losing something, anything, of significance can choke you with dread. Breathing like you just ran a marathon, heart-rate as hyped up as if you just ran from the sound of footsteps following you, and sweating palms the same as when you first met your other half’s parents. Panic – your body’s imitation of the world suddenly ending.

My body has been set on the edge of a panic attack since the day Dakota was born. If he trips, falls off his bike, can’t stop coughing, or simply tries to climb a tree and goes a tad too far, I feel as if I’m not smothering him, I’m not being a good parent. I've made so many mistakes in my past, I had to make it up to Dakota- I had to. So deciding to chase Chris, my mate, and leave my Dakota behind had my two sides ripping me in half. Partly, my animalistic side wanted to mate, while my logical thought process looks past my selfish emotions to jeopardizing my son’s safety.

“Harper?” I heard Shane’s voice floating along the confines of my mind, bouncing along the edging of my skull. “Harper, you need to answer me.”

His words seemed to spark something inside me, for the next thing I knew I was walking towards the forested area off beside the Lawson residence. I couldn’t believe myself, I hadn’t stepped foot anywhere with so many trees since the day since I lost my puppy Koda.

I tried to form words, as my sobbing had ceased, but the world seemed to tilt on an access. The ground glinted with delight as it came closer and closer to my face, just before our untimely meeting, I felt someone’s arms wrap around my waist and pull me back up. It was too late, the ground was falling out from beneath my feet, and not even Shane’s strong arms could keep me safe.

Suddenly, everything went black.

-

Love is never having to say you’re sorry, at least that’s what the movie Love Story says. I'd watched Oliver Barrett repeat his beloved words to his father a thousand times, and still I couldn’t find it in myself to believe them. She died, and his father treated him as a scoundrel, how do you simply forgive and forget all that? I wasn’t fit for the plot line of Love Story, yet I'd spent nearly two weeks sitting in front of my TV watching it play over and over again.

I could hear a baby’s cry from down the hall, the one I decided to name Dakota Ryan West and raise on my own. But I couldn’t do it. It had been only four weeks since I brought my small bump to life, but I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t hold him. I couldn’t even accept the fact he was here, and he was mine.

“Harper, honey, you need to feed Dakota now.” My father cooed, keeping his voice low attempting to soothe me. It wouldn’t matter.

I nodded and slipped down my shirt a bit. My father walked up with a tiny pink being wiggling in his arms, and gently handed me the child as if he were a godsend – maybe he was. The small creature stilled in my arms, as I tried to be as gentle as I could, and moved him up to my newly enlarged breast to let him feed.

“Where’s Dakota?” A panic stricken voice echoed from outside the doorway.

“In here, Vanessa,” my father called in a soft voice to not disturb me and my child from this rare moment of intimacy.

I looked up to see Vanessa scowl at our father and turn to me with a now blank expression on her face. Her gaze slowly fell to the bundle of life in my arms, and then a small smile grew along the seams of her lips. I kept my firm stare on Vanessa, confused to her sudden array of emotions.

She must have felt my gaze for her own met mine with a frown on her face. “You can’t do this anymore Harper, he’s just a baby.”

I quirked an eyebrow at the statement but said nothing in return, my father’s obvious clearing of his throat cutting through the tension in the room. “Now Vanessa, be nice.”