chapter 1

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NOTE: Triggering self harm, abuse, anorexia, and suicide.  

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      "You don't know oh oh, you don’t know you’re beautiful oh oh, that's what makes you beautiful!"I sang.

Thousands of girls were screaming around me. I smiled and spoke into the mic, "Thank you all for coming, loves. It's means so much to us".  I glanced around the stage to see the rest of my band mate’s nodding their head in agreement.  They all looked so happy.  Their faces shown with delight.   I played along, knowing that what I was trying to feel was fake.  

        I couldn't hear myself think. The screaming was getting to my head.  I took long breathes as Louis began to speak.

         "We've all had a marvelous time tonight," Louis sang in his British accent.  He glanced around the stage to the rest of us.  "Thank you all for supporting us on your first tour!"

        The crowd grew louder with every word.  They didn't want this to end.  Me? I was dying for it to be over.  I once thought that if I would sing for people, that I would finally be happy.  I thought that if I showed others what I had to offer, that something inside of me would change.  That some spark would come and make life worthwhile. It was there in the beginning, while I was one the X Factor, but the spark has slowly died.

       Now, I am tired of all of the fame.  I'm tired of all of the paparazzi.  Honestly, I just want to go back to the life I had; working in the bakery and living with my mom and Germa.  Things will never ever be normal like they were. 

        I know that Louis was saying more things, but I zoned him out.  My stomach began to hurt and I felt dizzy.  I latched onto Zayn for support. 

        He looked at me with concern in his eyes, and gave me a pat on the arm.  That just sent me into more pain. 

         I was hoping that our fans could not see that something was wrong with me on stage, because that would just send the rumors flying once more. I could see the headlines;

   "Harry Styles loses a grip" or "Harry's mysterious illness".  Maybe it would be caught on tape, and posted on you tube.  "Harry Styles becoming sick one stage".  Then for the description it would be something along the lines of this- Harry styles loses all composure on stage.  Is he beginning to get sick?  With what?  Is there something he's not sharing?  Does Harry have cancer?- the list would be endless.

      Just the thought of tomorrow’s headlines caused me to fight the pain in my stomach, and the dizzy spell my head was having.  No one could know what was really wrong with me.  NO ONE! 

   I smiled just as the curtain closed.  I was so relieved that it was over.  Even through the cloth, I could hear fans as they screamed all across the stadium.

I sighed a sigh of relief as Louis and went up and gave me a pat on the back, “Good job Haz". I just smiled at him. 

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