I am utterly miserable. I had to get that off my chest, but I can't say anything to anyone in my life. Family are dealing with enough right now (both sides) and don't need me moaning at them, friends live all over the country since university and I don't fancy having that conversation on the phone, and I can't talk to the boyfriend because he's half the reason that I'm miserable. So a good moody ramble where none of these people will read it is always good.
I used to struggle with all sorts of anxiety issues, and that caused depression, and I ended up in therapy because I was having panic attacks so bad they hospitalised me and I couldn't live my life anymore. For a change, the therapy actually worked and I've been ok for 3 or 4 years now. 'Ok' being still quite antisocial and moody and occasionally my heart trying to burst out of my chest, but manageable. The last few months, though, I've been slipping. Had a panic attack for the first time since university, and although it didn't end in hospital it was pretty bad. I can't see the point in getting out of bed some mornings, and I can't smile properly, I just have to plaster a grimace on my face and hope people don't see through it.
The bit that really scares me is that I don't have the people who pulled me through it before around me now. Saz lives back in Norwich and Ems is back in Manchester now university is over, Nick lives in Leicester with his girlfriend and Laura lives in London as an aupair. Last time I had a complete meltdown I had Saz to sit up all night with watching Harper's Island and eating ice cream while we bitched about our other housemate, or Nick to get outrageously drunk with and torment people we didn't like, or Laura to distract me with her neverending list of conquests, or Ems to say classic phrases such as 'fuck this noise' every time I looked panicked and hand me a shot of vodka or a bowl of lucky charms (depending on whether we were in a pub or kitchen...). I don't have that this time round, so how am I supposed to stop myself going back to being an absolute mess?
But anyway, mard over. Therapist said I had to acknowledge the thoughts and feelings to be able to move past them, so they have now been officially acknowledged and my workmates and family are none the wiser. Job done.
