Lessons of the Heart and the Liquid it Pumps ||

45: Mindless Buzz

As I sat taking notes I was barely aware of Aiden watching me from the corner of his eye. Things had gone just as Mr.Marrs had planned and Tuesday had come without Aiden once noticing the ample amount of new clothes I had. He had however noticed that I seemed to have some inner turmoil going on.

“Since when did you take notes?” he whispered as Mr.Marrs turned his back to the class and started to write on the bored.

I shrugged. “Since I realized I need this credit.”

He followed my gaze and I could tell he was surprised that it wasn’t focused on Mr.Marrs but on the words he was writing on the whiteboard. “Does it matter if you plan on dropping out?”

“I lost my job. I can’t even think of leaving school without a source of income.” I pointed out not sure why he really cared.

Mr.Marrs turned to the class and Aiden didn’t bother stopping his talking. “We can get you a new one you know.”

“I know.”

“Maybe graduating will be a good thing.”

I sighed, unsure why he wouldn’t just drop it. “Whatever.”

“Is something wrong?” Mr.Marrs asked causing the rest of the class to look towards Aiden and me.

“Nothing.” I muttered and turned my face back down to look to my notes. I’d always hated being scolded by teachers.

“Then please pay attention and stop talking.”

I could hear Aiden scoff but he obeyed for once and leaned back in his seat as the class went on. Ever since I’d quit, or as Aiden thought got fired from, my job he’d been making comments about my future. Why did I have to drop out? Where would I go? What do I plan on doing?

It was all so obnoxious. We’d been over it before. I wasn’t planning on staying in a city I didn’t like and living in my mother’s house just to finish going to a school I didn’t enjoy. But this wasn’t what made me so irritable. It was the fact that the reason I didn’t want to think about it was because it made me think about Mr.Marrs.

Could I really follow through with dropping out when I turned eighteen now that I’d met him? I tried picturing waking up every weekday and knowing that I wouldn’t be able to see his face even if it was only as my teacher. It made a slow ache creep through me. We had a secret together. I knew what he was. Of course it was natural for me to want to see him. Besides, he was a good teacher.

But then I felt guilty. By holding on to the immature pleasure I got from having a secret in on his life I was making it more confusing for him. If I just left like I’d planned then he wouldn’t have to worry about me. I could move to a different state and he’d go on like he had before I’d come and stirred things up. It wasn’t fair for me to want him in my life.

The day dragged on and so did my thoughts. What was I supposed to do? I wished I could talk to Aiden about it. He’d have given me some brutal answer. He never softened things. We’d talk and argue about it then I’d come to a decision and I’d be done with it. No more mental internal battle over something I didn’t really have the right to wonder about. I was just Mr.Marrs student after all.