Drop Dead Gorgeous (YoungWritersPrize)

Dark Blue

This chapter is dedicated to the memory of my aunt Irena, who passed away, battling breast cancer. 

She loved her husband. 

She loved her son. 

She loved life. 

                                                          *You are missed.* 

 

 

Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

Sings Andrew McMahon. That's how I feel. Every single day. I was fine, alone in my own little world. Not happy, but content. And then he came and his dark eyes were making promises he couldn't keep. He said to let go…and then he wasn't there to catch my fall.

He didn't came to school that day. Or the next. In fact, he wasn't at school for a few days now. I was avoiding Jimmy and Kayla, hiding in bathrooms and empty classrooms. Virginia seemed to forgot about me too.

I didn't want to feel this. Sadness. Pain. Loneliness. I wanted my darkness. I wanted her to come and devour me whole. I felt safe in her cold, painless arms. The only food my lips touched this past few days were two apples. Just enough to stay up. In school I didn't eat, at home I said I've eaten in school, and if something happened to found its way on my plate, I would wait for my mom to leave the room and threw everything in the toilet and flush the water. Then I would wipe the edges of the plate to make it look like nothing happened. The perfect crime.

The first day I felt growling in my stomach, like a hamster were running his wheel inside of me. Then it turned into a burning feeling below my chest, in the middle.

Soon I felt nothing but numbness. No feelings. No sadness. No pain. No hurt. My body felt hot and my head dizzy. The warm feeling of red, life liquid running through my veins was comforting, the dizziness in my head calmed me down, made me sleepy. I felt light as a feather and heavy as a rock at the same time. I didn't even care if Dan Humphrey ended up together with Serena or not. I never really liked her anyway…she didn't deserve Dan.

 But there was still something missing…problems were still jumping around in my head, that moment…his face, the pain he felt…anger…just thinking about it made tears sneak into my eyes.

 I sat in my room alone, silver scissors in my hand. They were so shiny and aluring…they were calling me, whispering that familiar sentence break the skin and make it bleed…

I didn't want to hurt anymore. I hated the pain, the words, the names, the faces…those eyes…I hated them!

I brought the scissors to my left wrist, the sharp part resting on my pale skin, purple veins beneath it. I slowly slid across my wrist.

I bit my lip to keep from making a sound, as the scarlet blood poured down my wrist, all the way to the elbow. The pain was so freeing, so welcomed. The voices began to calm down, all the harsh words were becoming distant whispers…I cut again.

The pain is even worse, but still nothing to compare with the emotional one. My hand started shaking, but I forgot. I forgot about all for a moment. Forgot about the pain. Forgot about their faces. Forgot about him.

I was laying in my bed with my laptop, watching Gossip Girl. I couldn't get up too fast, because if I did, the dizziness took control over my body, and I couldn't even stand on my own two feet. Ash was purring on the window shelf, her fluffy, white mittens hidden beneath her adorable little head. At least she looked happy, sleeping on an old pillow I gave her. The happiest kitty, since I saved her from the cruel world. Someday I hope that my sadness will be replaced by something beautiful, too.