Chronicles of Myth Volume One: Twisted Daydreams

Scene Sixteen

One week later

The last thing remember was embracing Nikolai and after that we ended up back home, alive and in our bodies; I felt whole for the most part… but the scars carved into my mind and soul still remained, Ashton and the others recovered before me, right now they’re in the process of helping me on my feet; while I was out we gained two new members to our family… Thane and Draco, they’re aren’t complete psychopaths and are quite nice to talk to… you know they’re not your enemy and trying to kill you. Seeing them actually helped me overcome my fear… Draco would have made an excellent doctor if he wasn’t so bent on killing everything; as I got to know him I learned he was an excellent caregiver and for the patients that died in his care he took care of their burials personally. Thane was like a kid, he was lovable and a little obnoxious; but there was a side to him I saw once this past week… I don’t know if he faked it or not, but he cares for the people he works with, he calls us his playthings but I know deep down he really does care for us as people, and I guess the same goes for all of us considering who we are; we all do care for one another because that’s all we have left now. On a lighter note the team was now complete… Ashton placed his seal on our team roster and that was the birth Alpha team, but something felt wrong… all of us we were unstable and about to break at moment, Ashton put together what I see as a powder keg about to explode with the right match and amount of tension; so far we’ve gotten to know each other and haven’t killed one another, it was smooth sailing; the first time of peace I’ve had since I joined up with Ashton. I dreaded the day when the call comes in and takes away our peace from us, I vowed to protect to my family but I also promised myself I wouldn’t my identity… I’m afraid I’m going to lose my shit, and when that happens I won’t be able to change back. One day the call is going to come in, and I’m going to join my family in arms on the battlefield… what I am afraid of most is losing the people I love, it doesn’t scare me when I consider who I am working alongside with, it doesn’t scare me when I consider we all have our guardians beasts living inside and that we are monsters, it scares me when I think of the possibility that the love I have for my family will replaced by a different need. The torture it made that part me, the succubus and dragon inside hunger; it’s awake and alive now… I’m scared that I’m going to do something stupid and fuck up everything, I’m scared that I’m going to lose myself…  no matter how much I tried I can’t accept this side of me. I closed my journal and put down the pencil, it has been a week since my soul was put back into my body… leaving my body vacant for so long I felt empty inside… I longed for something, but I had no idea what that thing was... and right now I’ve reached my limit of the crazy shit I could see/ handle throughout the day. I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling, “I don’t know who I am anymore”. I looked at my bangs and saw they had darkened into fuchsia color from the agony I was in, I had streaks of my original brown hair blend in with my new hair; I looked in my compact mirror, it was unorthodox but I liked it… I put the mirror on my nightstand and tried to sleep. As I closed my eyes, I saw something very unsettling; I’ve had the same dream since my soul was put back in my body: the world I woke up in was a warped and twisted mirror image, blood started to drip from the ceiling and floor were lined with shreds of organs from innumerable victims and every time I saw myself in the center holding the bloodied corpses of teammates as they rotted into carrion right before my eyes… just as it hit me, they were already gone and their blood remained fresh on my hands, staining my soul a deep red… that’s I all saw here… red and a lot of it, with little streaks of sanitized white trying to cover the hideous truth. The place smelled like a hospital, like medicine… it was somniferous, but the scent of decay, raw flesh and blood would snap me back to the nightmare; I looked at myself and saw a tormented soul; this side of me was haggard, I had Ustanak stick out of my chest with my right hand gripping the handle; then I realized that a blazing longsword was pierced through my chest, on my left arm was my C4 kite shield; I looked had I gone through hell with my gear and armor all torn up, but inside I waslonging for some semblance of normality, a life where nothing is supposed to die at the hands of another person… I was always felt like I was walking on eggshells, something always kept me on my toes; I am afraid and insecure… I always feared losing the ones closest to me… the thing about me is I can’t learn to let things go, it always was taken from... this is the pain that makes me the saddest, on my face I saw the lines and the marks of tears, she looked at me… I looked at myself, my true self… Cerberus stood by me; he sat down and lowered his three heads, “You’re a wreck you know that”. He growled out a low tone, “Shut up you prick”. All the madness around faded to black and I was left in the middle of an abyss; my skin turned gray and I started to wither into dust, “Forgive yourself”. I looked at Cerberus, “That’s the first time you didn’t bust my balls for something”. “Unless you’re going to give me a treat… give it a rest”. “You’ve spent too much time listening to opinions of sheep, do you honestly give a damn Elaine… do you seriously give two shits about what humanity thinks about us”? I approached myself, “It’s hard to believe that I have you inside me… I can’t completely accept this side of me Cerberus”. “Why the fuck not”? “Because this isn’t me”. “Look in the mirror and tell me otherwise, that thing kneeling on the ground is you damn it”! “Why can’t you get it through your fucking skull… you can’t reject and accept who on a whim… this is your identity, and if you can’t deal with that… give me a break and just die… that sword is just three inches away from your heart… a little more up and you’ll be free for good”. “Fuck off”. “Your piss and vinegar… don’t make me laugh. You know that you’re life feels like a half assed act; there is nothing that pisses me off more than seeing a person who can do great things, and not have direction for that potential… you disappoint me”. “Cerberus” I felt my anger boil over to critical, I walked over to my fallen self; “No more running… I’m going forward… I have to”. I faced myself with my back straight, I looked into the dulled eyes and focused, I found my soul… a basket of fading embers. “How many times do I have to forsake who I am”? “It doesn’t matter… today I have no doubt”. I stabbed my hand through my chest and rekindled the fire in my heart, I saw Cerberus smile at me… I read his expression: “You’ve got a way to go, kid… I’ll stand by you, besides I’m your one and only asshole”. I woke up in my room… I felt better, I felt whole again; the feeling of soft sheets comforted me; I turned my head and saw Draco sitting in the chair besides me dressed in a white long sleeve shirt and grey vest; he had a green tie with red stripes around his collar and wore charcoal colored slacks, he clacked the heels of black dress shoes and put down his clipboard on my nightstand. “Please tell me… I’m not the only one who struggles with understanding who I am”. He looked at me with intrigue, “Yeah”, he said with an honest smile… “Everyone does struggle with finding out what they mean to themselves… be honest with me have you ever consideredwhy you were put in this life, why you met the people you did”? “No I haven’t”. “Why not… aren’t you curious to know what you’ll become when you are older”? “Sometimes I prefer not to know those things, to put it this way I cross that bridge when I get there”. “I see… how do you define yourself”? “I don’t know… to be honest I’m trying to find out”. Draco sighed and stood up, he turned to walk out the door, “What defines you”? He looked at me, “You and I are on the same boat… I don’t know either and by the way life is short you should do a little more living while you can breathe, I’d made too many mistakes and held on to many regrets; before I had you in my care… I was an underground surgeon… I saved all the vagabonds, dregs, disenfranchised. You name it, it didn’t pay good… but I was happy saving… prolonging the lives of those people the rest of the world had forgotten… then one day my patients started to die in my hands… again and again… until I finally lost it and became this… not all people are doomed to die when they got on my table, but I wish I had known that I couldn’t save all of them… no matter what I tried… I couldn’t save them”. Draco walked out door and stopped in the middle of the frame: “Don’t be stupid and waste your life trying to make amends for things that aren’t your fault… you say you struggle with understand and accepting who you are… the way I see it you’re too dense to admit when you need help and support, you can’t expect to do everything alone… think about it… you reject others, because you’re afraid they’ll reject you if they see who/ what you really are”. He walked out the room and I looked at the clipboard he left behind… “Why do you doubt yourself”? The question was written all over the page with crossed out ineligible scribbles, in the center of the page I saw a circled phrase: Because there is no room for love. I choked on my tears as I read the statement… it was so simple, yet it carried the deepest meanings. All the things we do are based on love… either for self or the sake of others. I heard a knock on my door, I put down the clipboard and looked at Ashton dressed in his marmoset PJ’s; “You feeling okay… I know you’ve took it pretty hard compared to the rest of us; God… what I’m trying to say is… we’re here for you if you need anything at all”. He forced out the words as he pressed back his tears. Ashton took a seat next to me… “It feels like I failed you… I’m sorry”. I got into a sitting position and the wound on my stomach ached and stuns… “It’s okay Ashton… to be honest I feel like shit right now… until I met you my life was boring, I longed for a life of adventure; like the heroes in the comic books… I wanted to become a hero and live in the limelight, see what’s like to have a thrill at every corner; I’ve made up my mind to pursue this life no matter… when I signed up I honestly believed I was ready to step up and deal with the crazy shit I know is waiting out in the dark for us… to put it this way, I knew the danger and surprises this life would bring; that what’s attracted me… I thought it be like: “oh I stepped in dog shit and now I’m cleaning off my shoes… I thought even on the worst days, I could smile and say fuck it… I’m alive and I can be happy again”. I’m not sure I can do that anymore… the enemies we’ve faced so far; they’re the tip of the iceberg... we all know there is worse out there. I’ve seen you guys get torn apart, I’ve seen myself get torn apart… but each time we get put back together I feel more dead than alive, I’m scared that we’re going to lose sight of who we are; it might not me be fighting in these battles, but we are witnesses to one another… it doesn’t matter who the person is but the brutality they are capable of… call me a hypocrite but I’m scared that I’m going to lose my humanity”.  Ashton walked out my room and brought back his swords: “You’re not afraid of the weapon… you’re not afraid of protecting yourself”. “Why should I be”? “You’re saying that if you kill outside of self-defense you’ll become like the monsters we fight to keep from harming others”. “To put it this way what makes right period. Either way one person is going to end up dead on the floor, you’ve killed someone, I’ve killed someone… we’ve all killed someone…it doesn’t matter if we can regrow our missing limbs or organs. The amount of damage we take… we can quite literally die a thousand times in a battle and be perfectly fine the next day, all fae are like this; Elaine tell me how killing someone in self-defense isn’t the same as murdering them in cold blood. No matter the intentions a kill is a kill no matter how you look it… their life stained on your hands… my hands. We are tainted but not beyond help… take my hand… please”