I Fcked Up Big Time.

I'm So Sorry

I lied, and I cheated, and I broke his heart into a trillion shattered, sharp edged pieces that stabbed his insides every time he tried to forget. 

And I'm so sorry. 

I've apologized so many different times, with so many empty, meaningless words.

*** *** *** 

I stood outside Jackson's house with the bag containing two California burritos and a fat stack of napkins. I held my breath, mustering up all the confidence inside me to knock on the door. I felt like fainting. 

I've done this so many times before... why couldn't I do this now?

What if he laughed in my face, and closed the door, leaving me out here pathetically alone. What if he started crying like last time I brought this up and told me he hated me?

What if he-

"Reilly?" Oh crap, oh crap. I didn't even get to knock!

Jackson stood there in the doorway looking at me, confusion written all over his face. He must have seen me standing here like an idiot from his bedroom window.

I cleared my throat.

"Yeah, um, hey. I... I brought food. Thought we could talk." I hold up the white paper bag. "California burritos from Colima's, your favorite."

He raises his eyebrows, totally shocked at my randomly showing up. 

"Yeah... lets talk in the back yard." He steps aside and lets me in. I take in the all too familiar scent of his house, a house I havn't stepped foot in for months now. Too many different emotions flood me at that moment and it takes everything inside me to keep the tears at bay.

"So, should we talk, then eat?" He questions me. I sit down on one of the chairs to his mom's patio set out back, and close my eyes.

He's being really calm and cool right now. This might actually go over well.

I start how I always do.

"I am so sorry, for everything, Jackson." That shouldn't be a sirprise to him. I know I've said that a million times and each and every time, I sincerely mean it. I don't know how to make this right."

"Well, you cheated on me. Twice. So there's not much you can to do make that right." He looks around at our surroundings, visibly uncomfortable. I want to throw my arms around his shoulders and just hold him. 

Thinking of me with the guy I had sex with while dating him probably was something he tried to avoid. I hurt him so much, broke his heart. 

He was my first... first love, first time, first real boyfriend, first guy who actually gave a shit about me. And I f*cked up big time. 

I want to kiss the lips that have told me they loved me, told me they hated me, and told me I was dead to him. 

What I really want is to just cry, and tell him how horrible I feel about everything. He already knows that though. 

"I'm so sorry." I whisper, letting only one tear escape before I sucked in a sharp breath to calm myself down.

He gets up from his chair and comes around the table to where I sit. "I forgive you, Reilly. I can't live my life happily by hating you forever. We need to just drop this, and move forward." I'm crying at this point, and there's no holding back.

I have waited for months to hear those words come out of his mouth. That's all I ever wanted to hear.

He forgave me. 

Jackson is kneeling beside my chair and I look at him. The hurt in his eyes makes my stomach ache and brings a tightness to my chest. I get up and wrap my arms around his neck, crying even harder.

"Thank you so much. You have no idea how badly I needed your forgiveness." I mutter into his shirt through the tears.

"You know we can't get back together. We need to let this go and move on.... without each other." I nod my head because I know he's right.

We could never be together after what I did. It could never be the same. 

I pull away from his embrace and wipe my tear stricken face with the sleeve of my nappy old sweatshirt.

"Can we be friends at least?" He seems to consider this. "I just miss you so much. You were my best friend."

"Yeah, we can be friends." We both smile at eachother. "Lets start by eating these burritos. Damn, Reilly. You know me so well."

I let out a shaky laugh. "Well you never would have forgiven me if I didn't at least bring you food."

"You sure know how to win a guy over, Rei."