I'm Amanda Heart. And this is the first chapter of my life...
Do you ever feel like you're alone? Like there's no one to talk to? That you're just a piece of meat walking around, without a soul, without any purpose. I feel like that all day. Especially when I'm with some boy toy getting it on in his apartment. I am surrounded by millions of men every year, but at the end, sex is all they want. No passion, no love. I'm not a whore. I just like the company. What has my life come to... I can't go back, not now. Every night I come home and lay in my huge comfy bed, and I still feel like I'm laying on concrete. Cold, hard concrete. Every crack defines my weakness, my inability to go on. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to die. Feeling like you have many people inside your head is not a pleasant feeling. One says one thing, the other says another. Who to listen? The loudest voice I suppose. But the loudest one is genuinely not right. It genuinely gives me the wrong advice... Wrong advice that I've come to love. Wrong advice that has defined my very existence. They don't speak to me all the time, the voices. They're like drugs, one minute without them is a year for me. At least I don't have to snort any white powder. They're just... there. How did I become this lifeless body you ask? Well... I really don't know the answer myself. It just happened. My need of attention brought me to the situation where I was changing boyfriends like socks. That was just fourteen year old me playing around... I stopped playing. Now, Im out to win. How do I win exactly? Hmm... Interesting. Six years ago I would have said that winning was breaking fragile boy's hearts. But now, am I really the winner? I mean, I have the power of seducing someone in a flash, but then, when the sex is over, what do I get out of all this? Pleasure? Hell yeah! Emotional pleasure? Never. This doesn't mean I'll stop. I'll never stop, not until I die! I'm beautiful, I'm hot, I'm blond. Why not use these to create the ultimate way of finding some sort of happiness that in the end will be the reason why I didn't kill myself at 05:00 AM on a Friday night? Why not? Right?
