The USPS and You: Meet Edmond

Meet Edmond. Edmond is a veteran postal worker, having been an employee of the United States Postal Service since the age sixteen, when he dropped out of High School to take a job as a full-time mail sorter.

            Those who work with Edmond are quick to describe him as friendly, jovial, well-mannered and hard-working. His supervisors, how­ever, can relate a more troubled his­tory behind the loyal worker who has passed on seven different retirement packages in the past five years.

            Edmond's early work career bore no real scandalous notes until the intro­duction of the Zip Code, a mailing code that he strongly protested. Edmond loudly professed to his superiors his belief that usage of it would ultimat­ely lead to the fall of mankind with the replacement of humans with soul­less automatons, and was caught by his supervisors on numerous occasions crossing out the zip codes on incoming letters. While these actions were not well received by his employers, his mindless devotion to demeaning work loads endeared him to the Postal Workers Union. The Union protected Edmond from suspension, and came to his aid repeatedly during his career at the USPS, includ­ing the time he was discovered stealing letters to "Santa" and writing lewd responses to children as "Saint Nick's brother, Dick." The only time he came close to any drastic disciplinary action was the incident involving Edmond running into the Post Office lobby naked with Elvis painted on his chest and attempting to charge startled witness­es 29¢ to moisten his adhesive backside. Never has a loyal Postal Worker slaved harder to earn his pension.