We met at a very strange time. I was running to class because I was going to be late and I bumped into him. My books fell. But he didn't help me pick them up. He just smirked at me and watched me as I awkwardly grabbed them off the ground. Before I left for my class, I mumbled "thanks for the help," sarcastically. I wasn't expecting him to respond. But he grabbed my arm, looked me in the eyes, smiled and said "You're welcome."
Two words. Just two. They made every bone in my body melt. His dark eyes. His wavy hair. His white teeth. Everything about him was perfect in an imperfect kind of way.
He wasn't like most boys. He didn't have friends. He sat by himself at lunch. Everyone thinks he's crazy. Rumor has it he's already been to 4 mental institutions and was kicked out of all of them. People have said he even killed someone before and got away with it. I never really buy into rumors but there was just something about him that was daring and mysterious.
I didn't know how to talk to him. He was extraordinary and violent and I was insignificant and fragile. If he was a tiger I was an antelope.
But something always drew me to him. Maybe it was the sound of his voice, maybe it was the dark circles under his eyes. The way he smiles when someone calls him a name. How he clenches his fists. Whatever it was, I wanted to know everything about him.
I tried. Every time I saw him, I tried to muster up the courage to just say hi. But the word never escaped my lips. One time I was sitting in class. Economics, the only class I had with him. My line of vision matched up with his for a split second. I could feel my face flush as I swore I saw a slight smile form on his lips. It was enough to make me dwell on it for the next few days.
He distanced himself from everyone to the best of his ability. Whenever we had partner work, no one wanted to be his partner. I think he likes it that way.
I constantly wonder what his life is like outside of school. What does his room look like? Is he an only child?
I just wanted him to notice me. I wanted to talk to him at 4am. I wanted to know all his secrets, and I wanted to share with him all of mine.
Would he even care? Did he know that I existed?
I wasn't going to get anywhere just sitting around lusting over him, I knew I needed to do something, but that's not how my mind works. I can give people endless advice but I rarely take my own.
If someone came to me with the same problem, I would tell them, "Why not just talk to him? He might ignore you, he might say hi. That possibility is enough to change your life."
But I'm not brave. I'm not. I'm nervous and my voice shakes, and I'm too afraid to talk to a boy. He shouldn't make me nervous. He's just a person with inner demons and feelings and complex emotions and whenever he's silent I know he's spending time in his head thinking of wonderful, complicated things. And that's what separated him from me. He was spontaneous, I was ordinary.