Butthurt 101: A Lesson In Cliche

Part 9 - When Jesu-no, Butthurt was Resurrected

Authors Note: Okay, I'm not bullshitting you. When I said I'd regulary update, I meant it. Honestly, I've had this, albeit short, chapter drafted for ages. But my netbook was so shit it would just crash every five seconds and it just completely put me off, so I'm sorry if you are here and even cared for an update. Luckily, it was my birthday and I got a laptop that actually won't blow up whenever I scroll down. No more excuses from this spoilt cow. But there will be, lmao.
Can I just say I know it doesn't seem a lot for other people but the fact that I got ANY readers on that last chapters made me so chuffed so thank you all loads to da moon and back you are utter babes.
Dedicated to my main @madisonbreaux for the idea on 70. Enjoy!

66. Having a character that is painfully 'relateable'.

Example: "Wow, I was holding my phone up in the air only for it to drop on my face, don't you hate it when that happens? OH OH! Exercising?? I haven't done that in years, the most I do is crawl from my bed to my laptop to my laptop and packet of cheetos hahAHAHAHA! You don't care? I better go eat a big tub of ben and jerry's and watch the hunger games! Wait, first I need to cry over TFIOS and (insert Supernatural character here)!!"

Okay, that point and example isn't very clear. What I mean by this is when the authors are trying so hard to make you feel a connection with their character that they start littering the characters thoughts and actions with relateable 'justgirlythingsxoxo' quote standard bollocks. They don't seem to realize not every teenager is a whiny little hipster nob head who likes to rub their lives so roughly into other angsty teenagers faces that all of their stereotypical 'zits' start popping and spewing puss everywhere. Honestly, I don't give a flying fuck whether your character is suffering from a concussion dropping something overpriced that she doesn't deserve on her face just because you think the readers would find it funny. Whoever finds that any more than mildly amusing I really wouldn't really want reading if it's a book based with humour, to be completely honest. Because there's only so many times you can laugh at the same thing over and over again. Your character could be bleeding out of her eyes and I honestly wouldn't give two titty wanking shits if they acted like that exaggerated example. #Rekt.

67. The main vulnerable girl character who has to choose between good and bad boy only to choose the bad boy for no reason except her 'heart told her to' only for the bad boy to actually be a good boy and the good boy to be a bad boy and have the main character be a smug prick about it cliche! *Sucks in air*.

You might have to read that a few times to understand what I mean. If you need an example anymore than that I'm sorry but I don't think I can spew one up at the moment. This is being used so often now that it's became a cliche. Disney's Frozen is one of the most known recent movies to do this, except without the 'choosing' part. I didn't used to mind it written in stories, but that was only when it used to be subtle and concealed, not obvious and in your face that yes, the main character has been misled and that it is actually the other way round to what they originally thought. One of the ways it becomes instantly obvious is when the main character constantly defends the secret prick that they don't even choose anyway because "he'd never do anything bad intentionally, he's so lovely!"  When the character says something like that I instantly think 'yep, he's actually a nob isn't he.' I wouldn't mind this concept as much if it was used with dramatic irony, having us readers solidly know he's a prick and keeping her oblivious. But no, these writers seem to think by hiding it and putting dialogue like that in is them being subtle. Treating your readers as if they are fucking stupid is the worst thing you could possibly do, I swear.

68. The wee little overemphasized virgin lass character cliche!

Example: "Senpai, pls dont kiss me on da lipsies!" She said, her face going red. "I-i-i-I'm a VIRGIN!"
"HAHAHA YOU'RE 17 AND YOU'RE A VIRGIN????? OMG ITS AS IF YOU ONLY BECAME LEGAL LAST YEAR!!!!!! HEY RICKY, DIS GURL IS A VIRGIN!!" 
"OMG WOW ISNT SHE LIKE 17!!!!!!! NECK HER MAN!!!!!!" Ricky laughed, and watched as he went in for a cheeky tongue twister when the girl continued to exclaim how he cant kiss her because she's a virgin and so innocent and so inexperienced and wow.

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT. This cliche is so annoying! It's always emphasized how the female character is an innocent needy virgin blushing bitch whereas the male character is simply just a solid minge mincer. Why does it matter if they've had the equivalent of The Sims 'woo hoo'' experience? I honestly don't understand why something so irrelevant and, when expressed in a gloating way, vain can define a person.  And yet, when this minor 'virginity' aspect is what a character is, it's as if their personality is based around that tiny fact. A good majority of these virgin characters are rather pushovers, extremely shy, constantly blushing and stuttering or just completely innocent just because they don't have a bucket fanny.  And to be honest, it's the same the other way around. If they're not a virgin they're more likely to be a 'badass', sassy and confident. Or, just a complete slut just because she's had sex? That's so wrong! I can't comprehend how putting a sausage up a hole turns you from a pushover to a badass slut but fuck my opinion. I'm probably the only person that honestly thinks this is a stereotype but when have I ever been one to care whether people agree? What makes this cliche worse is that people actually react to lack of fucker ducking in the same way in reality and it's so fucking immature. Surely people would be embarrassed to share that kind of information to random people, let alone take the piss out of others because they haven't fricked the frack yet? It's times like that when I think 'Our society is so fucked.'

 69. Authors who refuse to update their stories unless they reach their reads, votes and comments 'goal'.

Example: GIVE THIS CHAPTER 1,200 VOTES, 30,000 READS AND AT LEAST 200 COMMENTS OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WON'T UPDATE EVERY AGAIN! I'm sorry but I just can't update unless I reach my personal goals. Dis story is on hold until further notice (as in until everyone reaches my goals) hehehe thanx!!!

Just to clarify, I don't mind if the writer puts a 'goals' section at the end of their chapter and ask people if they can help them reach it at all. Sure, it can sometimes get on my tits but I don't have anything against it per say. When I do begin to have something against it is when you have to 'unlock' the next chapter through the writer's goal. Are you taking the piss? It's completely unfair to not update just because you're a few reads or even a lot away from your marker. There's going to be random times when you have lapses of a lot of views and times when you don't have as many. Surely, you have to accept that as a writer and continue working on it until people spasm that 'vote' button again? Why just give up? For a published author I'm sure they get times when their sales go down, but do they just start fucking sulking and strip their books from every bookstore and refuse to complete a book because not as many people are buying them as they were before? No, because that's pathetic. They continue writing until they recognition again. It's exactly the same on a website such as Wattpad. The only thing you're going to accomplish by putting your story on hold due to lack of reads is losing even more reads, you dumb fuck, because people are sick of your manipulative shit or can't be bothered to wait for a story that is only going to get updated ever 6 years (cough) like this (cough). Going on 'votes' as well is completely useless. Just because people aren't voting doesn't mean they don't like your story, it's because most people simply click off forgetting to vote. There is no difference between someone has 600,000 votes and another who doesn't except recognition. It does not define you as a bad author. Have you seen the amount of bullshit stories that have a lot of votes? Exactly. Comment goals I can understand as the writer wants constructive criticism, but if it's just ego boosts comments they're after... No. If you want to be a writer so desperately I don't see why you should give a fuck whether you get nice comments or not. Focusing on the ones that can actually help you improve, yes. But if you want to write so bad, fK dA h8ers.

70.  The 'I have to leave for my love's benefit' cliche!

Example: Twilight: New Moon.

Sorry if you're a fan, but it's the easiest thing ever to relate to this point and, simply, take the piss out of. Obviously, this isn't the only book that has used this poor excuse of a plot to get things moving otherwise I wouldn't consider it a cliche. People are using this as a common plot device more often especially on Wattpad. Can't move your story along? Make the love interest fuck off for the 'greater good!' New Moon is a perfect example for this as Stephenie Meyer most likely only made Edward pull that bollocks excuse and fuck off for that book so it was easy for her to create a love triangle and introduce the pointless Volturi who really don't enforce their laws very well. And, naturally, circumstances changed and he was able to re-unite with his love and decided to stay. Yay! Fan-fucking-tastic. I didn't see that one coming from the moment he originally left at all! And this is exactly what a lot of people on Wattpad are still doing. It's cool and all that you want to momentarily put a wedge in their relationship to build on the story, but can't you find any other way to show this without making them leave the other character but still be a saint because it's for their benefit? Wouldn't it be interesting if their intentions were just a little bit backwards and not clouded with 'I'M A GREAT CHARACTER WHO DOES NOTHING WRONG PLEASE LOVE ME'? Seriously, cry me a river. I'm seriously done with this cliche. I find nothing empowering and selfless in the fact that you would 'leave' the person you love because 'staying would hurt them'. I you knew getting involved with them would hurt them, why even start something up you selfish overused third breast. Stop using this cliche to make your character look selfless, because in the end it just highlights how selfish they actually are.



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Are you bored of the romantic cliches that always fill these lists? Is there a particular cliche that you want to banish from the gene pool? Look no further! If you'd like me to mention a cliche or anything that pisses you off to do with Wattpad, give me a message or drop a comment and I'll do so! 
Charges may apply. 
Side effects include: Severe constipation, Syphilis, achene on the left testicle and de-attachment of your genitals.