INTERGALACTIC MANILOW
By DanKitti & KC
At the outer edge of the spiral galaxy, is a planet where the creatures have fifteen arms and legs and giant antenna-like protrusions. By a bizarre twist of fate, their only knowledge of Earth is from listening to Barry Manilow albums, whom they have taken to be some kind of deity. Coincidentally, Barry Manilow’s Intergalactic Tour was passing by that very planet when one of the thruster gaskets on one of the ships has to be replaced, so they stopped at a nearby planet to repair it.
Meanwhile on the Planet of Barry Manilow Fans, they were having their monthly Manilow Ritual, where all the creatures would re-dedicate themselves to Barry, by singing all his vocals from at least one of his albums, from memory, and with all of the unique Manilow stylizations. Since there were so many creatures, the ritual involved everyone splitting up into groups of 3, where one would sing while the other two would listen in ecstasy.
Back at the nearby planet, Barry Manilow was sitting in a cocktail lounge, and was approached by a creature with 15 arms and legs and giant antenna-like protrusions. This creature told Barry that its name was Frurk, and then related the story of how he had been exiled from his planet, because he had mixed up the lyrics to “Mandy” during a Manilow ritual. The only way he could return would be to come back with a new recording of Barry Manilow – a recording that had not yet been heard on the planet.
Barry listened carefully to the creature and then decided to give a special concert during which he would recognize the exiled creature from the state. Ostensibly, Barry the Great, as he was called on Fnurk’s planet, would sing three super-big hit numbers, turn up the house lights, and say something like, “Oh, I’d like to say hi to my old pal Fnurk, of the nearby planet where my music is correctly appreciated.”
There was no problem in getting Fnurk back to his home planet – Barry simply handed the exiled creature a copy of his latest album, “Music to Wash Dishes By” that was so new that it simply had yet to be heard that far out in space. This sounded simple enough, except for one tiny detail: one of the songs was about outer-space creatures, and it portrayed them in a less-than-positive way. How would this affect the planet’s relationship towards Barry the Great? Fnurk decided to not worry about it jet yet, surely things would work themselves out.
The concert went well, and was broadcast to Fnurk’s planet. Its citizens were in ecstasy, and on top of this, were surprised at the mention of Fnurk. They were all proud of their fellow-citizen, and decided that all was forgiven. He would be able to return to the planet without the required Barry Manilow album.
So Fnurk returned to his planet, to much acclaim. But hidden in his luggage was the “Music to Wash Dishes By” album, with the questionable song. What was he to do?
Finally he decided to leak cassette copies of the album (with the song removed) around the planet. That seemed to be a workable solution, until the intergalactic record distribution cruiser landed on the planet, with the new album in its complete version.
The citizens were excited about getting the new album. Many of them had the “advance copy” cassette, but now they would have the cover art, liner notes, and the printed lyrics. A thrill of excitement ran through the planet when they realized that an additional song was on the album that hadn’t been on the tape. Without having heard the song, the planetary radio station declared that is would be given a “special broadcast” during which all activity on the planet would stop, so everyone could hear the song for the first time, in planetary unity.
Fnurk knew he had to stop the broadcast, which would cause such radical changes in the planet’s culture. He made it to the broadcasting station ten minutes before the broadcast was to begin, and headed up the stairs to the DJ’s control room. When he reached the door, there was a sign that read, “Due to Special Broadcast, This Door is Locked.”
Fnurk pounded on the door in frustration, until he was pulled away by security guards. As he was dragged down the hall, the speakers began broadcasting the lyrics sung by Barry:
“Oh Baby
You aren’t a slimy outer-space creature,
You’re a human being,
Your body with its two arms and legs
Is the only form I can truly love.”
Tears were rolling down Fnurk’s face as he was thrown into jail. Already in the distance, he could hear the sound of the Anti-Barry Riots beginning.
The end.
