I’ve had this in my head ever since I saw the SouthPark episode with ninja weapons. This is basically a huge rip-off of that if you’ve seen it but if you haven’t...this was all my genius! Promise!
Pure insane stupidity. Enjoy.
No More Heroes
The city was his. From where he stood he saw all; moms and dads pushing prams through the street, commuters coming home after a long day, the police car parked outside Mrs Irwin’s house. He supposed it was only a matter of time. That woman had way too many budgerigars to be sane.
No criminal was safe. No thieving junkie after a next fix. No shop-lifter after another packet of Haribos. Unless he was stealing from Mr Maguire because he was a moody old man who smelt of corned beef. The power lay in his hands to declare judgement on the people of New Jersey. His hands...and his heart.
"Any sign of movement?” TechBoy called up.
“No,” Bloodreign answered from his vantage point, flicking his dark fringe out of his face to peer down at the people below. His hair was growing too long and kept getting caught up in his mask. TechBoy had suggested tying it back but he had scoffed at the suggestion. Girls tied their hair back. Defenders of the city did not.
“Keep looking,” said the Zombinja, tossing a jelly baby into his mouth. Food was fuel and he needed to keep up his strength.
TechBoy groaned. “Can we go home now?”
“No!” Bloodreign snapped, whacking a branch out of his face. “We’re on an important mission!”
“You mean you’re on an important mission,” TechBoy sulked. “You never let me climb the trees.”
“That’s because your powers do not include tree-climbing capabilities,” replied Bloodreign knowledgeably.
“That’s because you chose them!”
“What actually are your powers again, Mikey?” asked Zombinja curiously.
“He has the ability to control electronic and mechanical devices,” Bloodreign answered for him. “You know. ‘Cos he’s such a dork.”
“And what are mine?”
“You...” Bloodreign hesitated upon realising he hadn’t actually given Zombinja any powers yet. "You’re part zombie and part ninja, right? So you have ninja moves...and you can’t die.”
Zombinja grinned widely. “Awesome.”
“He gets immortality and I can talk to my iPod?” TechBoy protested. “How is that fair?”
“It’s probably because I’m better than you,” said Zombinja knowledgeably.
It was the loud crack of a twig that prevented TechBoy from responding. The trio took their positions behind the tree trunk and took up their weapons. Bloodreign could hear his own pulse pounding against his ears which was strange for a vampire-werewolf-sorcerer-assassin-warrior-spy. He was pretty sure he was also living dead. Still, he gripped the sword handle fast and when he jumped out from behind the tree it was with a blood-curdling war-cry.
“Alright guys, chill,” came a voice. “It’s just me. Ray.”
With a sigh, the heroes sheathed their blades and turned to face their aggravator. “What the fuck dude,” snapped Zombinja. “You can’t just jump on The Defenders like that. We could have killed you.”
Ray pointed at Zombinja’s belt where a number of knives were sheathed. “Are those...real?” he gulped.
“Well no shit,” Bloodreign rolled his eyes, turning a little to allow Ray an eyeful of his samurai sword. “How are we supposed to lynch rapists with wooden spoons and a BB gun?”
