Silent Souls (Wattys 2014)

Chapter Nine

Him

Last night, under the starry sky, I thought falling asleep with a girl – the one who’s been constantly on my mind for weeks – was the best feeling I’d ever felt.

But that was before I woke up.

When I wake up, she’s the first thing I see.

She’s smiling. Her tired eyes are creased up a little like paper at the sides, and her hair is dishevelled. Her lips are dry, but there’s a smile upon them, just like there’s one in her warm, brown eyes.

‘Hey, handsome,’ she says softly.

It’s at moments like this that I really hate that I can’t talk. I want to be able to converse with her like a normal person, and tell her things she deserves to hear, and whisper sweet things into her ear just to see her smile. I can dream however much I like; I know it’s not going to happen. It’s been years, and it’s gotten to the point where I can hardly remember what it was like to talk.

But I miss it.

She makes me feel amazing.

But it’s at moments like this that she also makes me feel like utter shit.

Her

‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ I ask.

He turns away from me silently. I’m not sure what about the gesture hits home, but there’s a wobble in my voice when I say his name and ask if he’s OK. I don’t get a response.

I shuffle a little closer to him under the sheets, tentatively wrapping my arms around his torso, pressing my front against his back. ‘It’s OK,’ I say quietly.

The silence that follows is filled with his shaky breathing. Eventually, he slips out of my arms, gets up, and walks away. And I don’t stop him.

I find him at the edge of the cliff. He’s dangerously close to the side. For a second – just a second – I think he’s going to jump.

I think about the waves crashing below, the spray of water as it bounces off the cliff-side…I think about the infiniteness of the sea, and the way it could just swallow him up in a second, his arms flailing, mouth open in a silent scream…

I don’t know at what point it is exactly in my extreme train of thought that I start to shake; all I know is that, in an instant, his arms are around me, all warm and strong, and he’s holding me tight, like he doesn’t want to let go.

In that moment, I realise – truly – that this boy has irreversibly become one of the biggest and best parts of my life, and I can’t live without him. There are so many things I want to say, but none of us say anything. The embrace says it all.

Words are so overrated.

Him

I take her to my place. After we packed up our stuff and I suggested the idea to her, she was all for it. I don’t know why I’m so nervous about it. I mean, I’ve kissed her a couple of times. I just don’t understand why the notion of letting her into my flat suddenly has all these butterflies fluttering like crazy inside me.

I’m not great with personal things. A perk of not having a voice is that you can’t really be personal with others, but it leaves far too much time for introspection.